The Curious Case of Severus Snape
by SlyBitch
Summary: Severus Snape managed to survive war, but will so shattered Snape survives what is wrong with him? Who's Harry's real father? Post DH, AU. Rated M with reason. Warnings: Self mutilation, drug abuse, quite dark and depressing. No fluff. Enjoy, and a review would be nice!
1. Awakening

**Author's note: **

All characters, except my OC, Claudine Cadela, belongs to J. K. Rowling. I don't own them, just took them from a box to play along.

It is a love story, but not a fluffy one. It goes darker in later chapters: depression, drug abuse, attempted suicide and much more. Rated M to be safe.

**I am not a native speaker of English**, you will surely find mistakes in my stories – please excuse them or tell me, so that I can correct them. My stories do not claim to be logical, or compliant to canon.

**I do not own anything recognizable in my stories.**

Enjoy! And a review would be nice :)

* * *

THE CURIOUS CASE OF SEVERUS SNAPE

CHAPTER ONE

AWAKENING

_"Look...at...me..." He whispered. The green eyes found the black, but after a second, something in the depths of the dark pair seemed to vanish, leaving them fixed, blank, and empty. The hand holding Harry thudded to the floor, and Snape moved no more._

* * *

Severus Snape slowly opened eyes in the some time trying to understand where he is. Loads of senses hit him.

_Pain._

_Darkness._

_Heat._

The room was dark, tightly covered, only through the space of curtains the sun shone.

_Thirst._

"Drink…water…" A quiet whisper came from him. "Drink…please..." He moaned though did not know whether anyone else in the room is.

He heard echoes of urgent steps.

_Gravity._

_Faintness._

"Sir, you woke up. At least..." An unfamiliar voice whispered. Someone's strong hand sat him and picked up a glass to his lips.

"Drink this, professor, you'll be better." He drank obediently, it was delicious, but after a few sips the glass was took off.

"Where am I?" Snape asked, trying to recognize the woman standing next to his bed. But the room was too dark, he felt too weak.

"You are In Hogwarts. I am tending you now."

He stuttered. "Hog-Hogwarts..?"

"Yes, in Hogwarts. Don't be afraid, you're safe. It's over, everyone is safe"

_Safety._

"What happened to me?"

"Now is worthless to discuss about it. Lie here quietly; soon I will give you to drink again."

"I want now ... I'm ... thirsty."

She brought glass back to him; the drink enlivened his sore throat and he tried to understand whereof this liquid was made.

"Honey...water-cress…" He whispered. And sank into sleep.

When Snape awoke again, it was nearly late evening. The fireplace was lit on; flame spread cozy and warm light.

_Light._

Small window was slightly open and let in a noise of hubbubs heard in the courtyard; students were rushing to go back to their chambers.

_Noise._

Snape squirmed. He felt much better, though weak. He lifted his eyes to see who is standing besides his bed.

_Beauty._

The black eyes found grey ones. He has never seen such eyes. Ice-grey. Pair of eyes starring at him was the same color as ice.

Claudine looked at him, worried. Snape was stunted. He lost a lot of weight; he was as white as a sheet of paper in the background of black, long, unwashed, greasy and sweats glued hair. Thin lips were chapped and dry. Only eyes were dark and deep, but without any drop of cynicism in them. The professor remained only a macabre portrait of human.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Claudine. Claudine Cadela. I am a student."

His eyes caressed her pretty face.

"I don't know you…"

"I am from your house, sir. I am a Slytherin. It's all right that you don't know me. I attended Hogwarts last year and I am part-time student. Even I barely did know you."

He looked at her suspiciously.

"I dare to remark; you don't look like first year, Miss Cadela."

"No, sir." Her laugh sounded as a silver bell. "I am twenty. I studied at home before I came here. I am in the same year as Draco." She brought him a vial. "Drink this one."

"What is this?"

"An antidote, sir."

"An antidote? What happened to me?" His voice was raspy.

"Drink it first, then I will tell you."

He slowly emptied the vial. The liquid had a horrid taste.

"Speak up, girl."

"You don't remember what happened to you, do you?"

Snape shook his head. "Actually, no..."

He tried to sit up but immediately fell back on the pillows, his fingers clanging to the edges of blanket.

"Not so fast, sir. Sit down slowly." Claudine helped him to sit back and tucked one more pillow behind him. "Nothing at all, sir?"

"For fuck's sake – no!" Snape hissed. "Last thing I remember - hideous snake snout."

"It was Nagini. I guess Voldemort hounded it on you. Fortunately, you survived."

_Survived._

"How long I am here?"

"Four months. That devilish snake made a good job."

Random images flew in his head.

_Shrieking Shack._

_Voldemort._

_Nagini._

_Potter._

_Blood. Lots of blood._

"Sir, are you all right?" Claudine shook his shoulder. "You got pale."

"Who…" He coughed. "Who won the War?" His gaze became some kind of crazy and timid.

"We."

"We?"

"Yes, we." She smiled. "Voldemort is gone. He was shattered into million pieces and evaporated like a smoke."

"Did you see?"

"No. Harry told me."

"Where were you?"

"Taking care of you, sir."

"Why?"

"I couldn't leave you to die." Her sight softened. "They told me you were dead, but I had to check."

"So, I owe my life to you?"

"I think so."

"What do you want from me for this?"

She ignored his last question. "I think you should go to sleep, sir."

He dreamt of her eyes.


	2. Discoveries

CHAPTER TWO

DISCOVERIES

* * *

Snape sat in bed and bagged scrambled eggs with a fork.

_Goddamit! _

He smashed plate to the wall.

_Worthless piece of filth._

Guilt for the death of Dumbledore chased him, haunted him. Shattered him into pieces, glued and shattered again.

_Murderer. _

"Sir, what's wrong with you? Do you think I am very happy to clean everything what remains after your hysteria attacks?"

"Don't clean then, I don't ask you to do it. I don't need your food, your 'care', anything. Just leave me alone." He grunted. "LEAVE ME! GO AWAY!" He started to scream.

Claudine, without saying a word, waved her wand and the wall remained as it was before. Food residues melted in the air. Then she quietly went up to him and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I told you. Leave. Me. Be." He hissed. "Fuck off."

"Severus, I think you should be more polite with the lady, _my boy._"

Snape gasped.

In front of him stood Albus.

Albus Dumbledore.

Alive.

Not a ghost, not a poltergeist.

Snape rubbed his eyes. Once, twice. Dumbledore didn't disappear.

"Are you all right my boy?" Dumbledore did put hand on Snape's shoulder.

"Albus?"

"Yes, Severus?"

"How?" He stuttered. "How…you…I…" His voice rasped and came out as short gasps for air.

"How I stayed alive?"

He just nodded.

"It's a long story, Severus. I think I will tell you when the time comes."

_Old coot. _

"Are you headmaster now, Albus?"

"Yes. Yes, my boy. I am headmaster." Albus eyes twinkled as Snape groaned with relief.

"So, Albus. I will not end up rotten in Azkaban?"

"Don't worry about this, my boy. Lemon drop?"

"No, thank you."

"Don't be so sour with such pretty lady near you." Old wizard's eyes twinkled.

"Bugger off, Albus. Just bugger off." However, Snape's voice was not angry or irritated.

"Grumpy as always I see." Dumbledore smiled at him. "Minerva bought me a cake with cream, I am anxious to try it as soon as possible. Behave nicely, Severus." He turned on heel and dissaparated.

"How are you, sir?" Her eyes held as much warm as ice.

"I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine - I'm here."

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"Absolutely."

"Understood. But you have to remain here at least for a week more."

"I am not speaking about hospital wing."

"About what then?"

"Never mind."

Snape felt confused.

He tought there will be no more lemon drops, nights of playing chess, annoying small talk during breakfast in Great Hall, cups of tea by the fire, nothing. He did never admit it, but Albus meant a lot to him.

Everything seems to have started to return to normal state.

Except him.

Something was wrong with him.

That numb feeling in his heart.

He watched Claudine sitting in front of the fireplace. Her petite shoulders quailed slightly. Was she crying?

"Miss Cadela, come here. Claudine!"

Claudine slowly stood up, wiping tears angrily. "Yes, sir?" She replied coldly.

"Are you…" He stuttered, his voice still raspy. "Are you angry on me?"

"Angry, sir? No."

"Had I afflicted you?"

"Yes."

He looked into her eyes. They were bright grey, with green shade this time. Ice, pure ice. He couldn't bear her gaze.

"I suppose…" Snape began slowly. "That I owe an apology to you."

"Unless do you understand for what, sir."

"For being mean." He felt limp in his throat. "I did not have to split all my anger on you. I am…sorry."

"Listen to me now, professor; I know your sordid tale of woe, but it doesn't mean you can treat me like I am sort of rubbish. I am not your house elf. If you are under the illusion you can intimidate me, you are sadly mistaken."

_"Proud." _He thought._ "Pretty and proud."_

"What else, sir. We are supposed to share quarters. That means we will live together when you will be released from hospital."

"What?"

"Yes. Because part of school is still ruined, they decided to rebuild it per new and make some renovations. They did move Slytherin House to seventh floor, but there is no place for me. Albus gave us quarters."

"Damn Albus to hell. What if I don't want to share quarters with you?"

"Of course, sir, you always have a choice. Share quarters with professor Trelawney."

"Only over my dead body."

Severus Snape prided himself in being a rational man. However, his feelings in front of Claudine were far from rational.

_Wrapped around the finger. _

That's how he felt.

He wanted to run his fingers through her hair, bury his face in it and see if it smelled like her perfume.

Instead, he just stared at her.

She was pretty.

He liked the way her black chin length hair and black, arched eyebrows contrasted with milky white skin. Her slightly hooked nose made her face brave and even challenging. Almond-shaped eyes were surrounded by dark eyelashes, which looked like small fans. She had plump lips, and he did catch himself thinking how those lips would kiss.

"Is it your habit to rudely stare at people and ignore them when they speak to you?"

Snape blinked at her.

"I am asking fifth time, sir. What do you want for dinner?"

"Anything. I don't care, actually I am not hungry." He murmured totally confused. "Thank you."

"You have to eat, sir. I swear you look like you might fade away at any moment." She smiled, revealing her healthy, white teeth. "I will bring you something delicious. And this time you will not smash your food to the wall."

* * *

It was cold running November evening. Snape comfortably sat in an armchair in front of fireplace, sipping coffee. It was two months as he was released from the hospital.

Claudine and Hermione swished withdrawn on a sofa locating in the corner of the room. Snape tucked his feet under himself and stared to the duo, trying to understand their subdued whispers.

"Claudine, what were you telling to Miss Granger; she blushed so red, that even worn off the Bastille?" He asked when Hermione finally left.

"What Bastille?"

"It doesn't matter, what. Tell."

"I didn't know, that we were watched, professor." Claudine chuckled.

"I was bored. Spit it out. Miss Granger's reaction was…er... mildly interesting; it seems that you told something not very decent."

Her grin became raunchy. "So, listen. When was the last minister's of the Magic Ministry meeting, he invited his lover, well, and his secretary brought mistress too. While they had desert both of mistresses were stripped, completely, they also undressed and started to dance quadrille. Do you understand, don't you?"

"Not bad! Who told you?"

"One of the Slytherin girls."

"Apparently, this school is a nasty hole of gossips." Snape sneered. "Your friends do often keep telling you such stuff?"

"No, not always such savory, but sometimes I even cringe with laughter."

"You just earned ten points to Slytherin, Miss Cadela and I earned to get high." Snape smirked, took a joint from mantelpiece, and lit it up. The feeling as if he is sinking in armchair claimed him.

"What is it, sir?" Claudine dropped herself in front of him. "Is it weed?"

"Mhmm…" He nodded lazily not bothering to speak.

"Give it to me."

Snape slowly passed joint to her. "This stuff is quite strong, be careful." He warned her sluggishly.

She inhaled deeply, holding smoke in her lungs for a while. "Ahhh, this one is great…" Claudine passed the joint back to him. "What breed is it?"

"Actually I bred it from Jack Herer. Just I made some changes in that breed. I made it a bit stronger, taste and smell better." Snape leaned back lazily to the pillow.

"Why do you smoke it?"

"Because I enjoy smoking cannabis. That's it."

"I know, that you enjoy, but tell me a reason."

"Well... Being high is one of the most pleasant sensations. Every day is Saturday. It is to be like a child; to perceive events with clarity; to look into the gates of paradise; to completely enjoy whatever you might be doing. Being high is to understand things that have seemed absurd before; to have the aloofness of a cat; to afford a kinship with god. To be intoxicated with marijuana makes every superlative seem within your grasp. Being high makes life seem terribly good. Being high is simply grand." His voice sounded like deep velvet, low and soft. "Now, tell me, what you find in marijuana?"

Claudine hesitated for a moment before reply. "It's a way for me to let me down slowly from a ballgame. It makes me better in the way I act towards society. It's hard to be mean when you're high, you know. But I am well aware marijuana is a drug."

"Are you daft? Marijuana is not a drug. I was ready even to suck dick for heroin. Now that's an addiction. Would you ever suck some dick for marijuana?"

She shook her head. "No."

"This is what we're talking about, you foolish girl. A smoker would theoretically have to consume nearly fifteen hundred pounds of marijuana within about 15 minutes to induce a lethal response... In strict medical terms, marijuana is far safer than many of the foods we commonly consume. For example, eating ten raw potatoes can result in a toxic response. It is physically impossible to eat or smoke enough marijuana to induce death. In comparison 1.2 grams of cocaine, when used orally, and 750-800 milligrams, when used intravenously or by inhaling, is fatal. Guess, how many people dies in a year because of marijuana?"

"I don't know."

"Zero." He snapped. "There are no deaths from marijuana registered. Peanuts kill around 100 people a year."

"I didn't know those facts, sir."

Snape sighed. "I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. It really puzzles me to see marijuana connected with narcotics dope and all of that stuff. It is a thousand times better than firewhiskey. Marijuana prohibition has done far more harm to far more people than marijuana ever could. The anti-marijuana campaign is a cancerous tissue of lies, undermining law enforcement, aggravating the drug problem, depriving the sick of needed help, and suckering well-intentioned conservatives and countless frightened parents."

"Do they lie?"

"Of course they lie. They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated? Lie! When you are high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it is not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference. Anyway, I will give you to read some books if you don't believe me." He sat down more comfortably. "So, you don't do drugs. Though, just weed. Do you think I would ever share a joint with you if it would be dangerous?"

Claudine smiled shaking her head. "No. I do not think so. Can I ask you?"

"Go on."

"You mentioned you were addicted to heroin. How it was like?"

"Horrid. It was like to be on sinking sand: gravity, no escaping." He replied. "I started to take it when I did join Death Eaters. It was popular stuff amongst them, you know. I tried. I did like it. However, it was not frequent in beginning. Until Lily's death. When she died, I began to trundle down. And very quickly. I injected it daily. Very soon, it became everything for me. Chasing the dragon became my obsession. It was a drug that helped me to escape reality but made it much harder to cope when I was recaptured. I didn't care if I lived or died, I was so sick. Almost all the time I was intoxicated. Even at lessons. I was ready to do anything for a dose. To kill, to robe. Anything. I was just lucky that I learnt how to make heroin in my lab."

"How long you did use it?"

"Five years."

"And nobody did find out?"

"Well, colleagues were suspicious; even there were rumors amongst students that Snape is on drugs. But there were rumors too that I am a vampire." He laughed bitterly. "Nevertheless, they did not know how true they were. I mean, floating was normal state of mine. No one did see me sober." He chuckled joylessly.

"So how did you stop then?"

"I did overdose." He replied simply. "Albus found me, I was taken to infirmary. Then everything was revealed. It caused a big scandal. I understood I will be beyond the point of no return if I continue. I agreed to take a treatment. That's it. End of fairytale."

"How pathetic – the teacher was a junkie." Claudine sniggered. "I am not mocking you, sir, just it's very strange. I mean, you don't look like a junkie at all."

"It was a long time ago. I started to use dope when I was nineteen and gave up when I was twenty-four. Now I am thirty-eight. I am clean for fourteen years."

"But you are bastard, do you know, don't you?"

"Why?"

"You are smoking pot, but you had never told me. Professor Snape smokes weed. It's ridiculous!"

"Almost every member of staff use marijuana in one way or another, even Dumbledore. It's a public secret. I thought you know."

"Dumbledore?" Claudine gasped with surprise.

"Albus Dumbledore is an old baker, actually."

"What about McGonagall?"

"As I heard from Albus, she likes space cakes." Snape stood up. "Let's go to sleep."

"How touching." Claudine stretched herself and jumped out of armchair. "Thank you, sir. For knowledge and for…weed." She expected him to move away, but he didn't. She was about to step away when he suddenly stepped closer. She looked up at his face.

_Lust._

This was what she saw in his eyes. Her pulse began to pound. Shocked, she looked quickly at the floor.

"You are welcome," his voice sounded somehow hoarsely. "Miss Cadela…" He placed a finger under her chin and brought her eyes up to his.

He was going to kiss her.

_So close._

_He was so close._

She was about to grip his shoulders and drag his mouth to hers, when without warning Snape pulled away from her. Too embarrassed to look at her, shocked by his own actions he fled to his bedroom.

Claudine stood in the middle of room, smiling to herself.

_Now, she already knew her power towards him._

Snape couldn't sleep.

His fingers burned, itched from need to touch her. In his fantasy she was crawling to him, begging for him, kissing him, biting him. He wanted her, he admitted to himself. What man wouldn't? But she was young, she was a student, she was forbidden to him.


	3. A Black Wave

CHAPTER THREE

A BLACK WAVE

* * *

"Severus, I am not going to make any changes!"

"But, Albus."

"I see no reason why you cannot live with Miss Cadela, my boy."

"You are insufferable old coot, Albus, I might assure you." Snape hissed angrily. "I cannot live with this girl."

"Why you dislike her? She obscures the sun with her beauty, she is educated, wise beyond her age and as I saw - she can stand you. Where is the problem?"

"You don't understand anything, Albus."

"How can I understand if you didn't tell me any decent reason?" Dumbledore watched to Snape nervously ruffling his hair. "The fact she is taking your books is not a reason. Checkmate, my boy. You lost."

"You distracted me, Albus. It's not fair."

"Life is not always fair, Severus. You owe me five galleons." Dumbledore closed a chessboard. "Now tell me truth: why you refuse to live with Miss Cadela."

"I already told you, headmaster." Snape pushed his chair roughly aside and strode around the table towards Dumbledore. "You know me perfectly, Albus. I am very private man and I can't stand this girl which is doing what she wants without paying attention to anything." He lied.

"And again you are about the same. All right, my boy. If you really hate to live with her that much, I think, I have a solution."

"Really, Albus? Then why did you torture me all evening?" He sighed with relief. "Tell me, what solution do you have?"

"To share quarters with professor Trelawney. Yesterday she complained me she feels…lonely." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Poor woman, no one wanted to live with her."

"No. No, no, no, Albus." Snape moved backwards, frightened. "You can't do this to me. No."

"I don't think you have many choices, my boy. Professor Trelawney or Miss Cadela. Two opportunities." The headmaster looked up, his half-moon spectacles dropping to the end of his nose.

"All right. You won," his voice was dry and raspy "I will stay with Miss Cadela."

"How you wish, my boy." Dumbledore replied. "But I want to know why you did cause this noise."

Severus squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose and sat back in chair. He tought it was the most difficult step of his life. He shivered and trembled and his head felt as if it was full of cotton wool. Or maybe water.

"The problem isn't that I don't like her, Albus." His voice was low. "It's...it...it is opposite." He finaly managed to finish a sentence.

"I still don't understand where the problem is, Severus."

"Damn, Albus! Yesterday I almost kissed her." He shook his head helpesly. "I am afraid if I will stay with her, I will not be able to keep my hands off her. And you know what is most terrible? That she did not look frightened or even surprised. She didn't push me off."

"What happened next, my boy?"

"I pulled away from her." Snape jumped out of the chair. "What else I could do?"

"Sit down, Severus," Dumbedore, eyes a'twinkling, stroked his beard casually. "If I am correct, you are afraid of this girl?"

"Not of her." He couldn't see Albus in the eye. "I am afraid of myself. Maybe it would be better I would share quarters with Trelawney."

"And to turn the whole staff and student life into unbearable? I think you will stay with Miss Cadela, Severus. Whatever happens between you two, is the business of you two. I see no problems until everything is consensual."

"But Albus…"

"Don't you think, you deserve some happiness, my boy? You are still young and Miss Cadela is not a child."

"Albus, she is almost twice younger than me! And I don't think I have a right…Lily…"

"Severus. Lily is dead. Let her go. You don't have to feel guilty. You've done everything for her."

"It's not enough." He insisted.

"It's enough, my boy. You have done more for Harry than anyone else could have. You protected him, you did risk for him with your life countless times, now he is grown and safe. And you have to live your life."

"I don't love Claudine, Albus. It's just…just physical." Snape sighed. "How can I burden her with the knowledge that I can't love her."

"You are excessively philosophical, Severus. And too romantic, I dare to assume. You had not even kissed her but already talking of love. Moreover – did she ever spoke with you about love? Did she ever tell you she wants love? Maybe her feelings towards you are physical too? I thought you are more rational, my boy. Just live your life and you will see what happens next. Do not rush things, but let it be. When I and Minerva…"

"Albus, stop it here. I don't want to experience an ear porno. My artistic and sensitive personality would not survive this."

"Oh yes, you're as fragile and delicate as a spring flower, Severus." The old man laughed. "Lemon drop?"

"No, thank you. I think I am going. Good night, headmaster."

"Good night, my boy. So, you don't agree to share quarters with professor Trelawney?"

"Only over my dead body. I mean it, Albus." And he stormed off.

* * *

Dull November did bring the blast of a frost, a killing frost to Hogwarts. It was raining almost all the time and the landscape was that of autumn. The sky was hung with various shades of gray, and mists hovered about the distant mountains - a melancholy nature. The leaves were falling on all sides like the last illusions of youth under the tears of irremediable grief.

No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease. Even the light was cold.

Snape walked along the edge of the lake and was treated to the crunch and rustle of leaves with each step he made. The acoustics of this season were different and all sounds, no matter how hushed, were as crisp as autumn air. He felt a bit lethargic and melancholic.

Autumn. It smelled like cold water and cold intrepid mist. Air smelled like cold water. The fragrance was not the perfume of high summer anymore; it was the smell of cold fog.

It was such a autumn day as breathed into him an ineffable yearning, a painful sweetness, a longing that made him stand motionless, looking at the dead leaves, and fling out his arms to embrace he knows not what.

_Something went wrong. _

He stood and starred around. He felt as if a black wave comes in and sinks him. There was no salvation. No hope.

He hurried back to the castle. He had to finish his article about Divinorum Draught for 'Potions Monthly' magazine.

Everything will be all right. Everything will be fine as soon as the article will be completed.

* * *

_'__Salvia divinorum__ (also known as __Diviner's Sage__, __Ska María Pastora__,__Seer's Sage__ and by its genus name __Salvia__) is a psychoactive plant which can induce dissociative effects and is a potent producer of "visions" and other hallucinatory experiences...'_

No, not like that. He crumpled the piece of parchment and dropped it on the floor.

_'Salvia is the largest genus of plants in the mint family, Lamiaceae, with approximately 700-900 species of shrubs, herbaceous perennials, and annuals...'_

Also wrong. He stood up and paced thorough room. Loads of crumpled parchments crisped under his feet.

"Professor!" It was Claudine.

He did not bother to reply.

"Professor! I don't know how to say this to you, all right... but you are starting to smell."

"This is important." Snape sneered mockingly.

"Sir, it's not as important as your health. You are going to get some sleep."

"Will you just fuck off?"

"How many days you have not slept? Four? Five?"

"Fuck off. I just have to finish this."

She took his parchment from table.

"Claudine? Claudine, come on, give it back to me. Claudine!" He shouted trying to grab a parchment from her hands.

"Sir, this is just scribbling."

"What? What the fuck? Asshole! You, little bitch! I have to finish this." He breathed hard. "I just have to finish this article. Everything will be fine when I will complete it." Tears of anger now were slipping over his cheeks. "I know it will be fine. Just give this damned parchment back to me. GIVE IT BACK TO ME!" He kneeled besides a desk.

"You got insane." Claudine murmured, terrified. "I am going to call Madam Pomfrey."

* * *

"Here. Put him here." Poppy commanded as two strong healers were dragging him towards bed.

Snape starred at the ceiling. Ceiling was as white, as always in hospital wing.

"You had any drugs in the last 24 hours?" She asked him calmly.

"No. Well, I guess I snorted some coke and smoked some pot...but that was just to make the Ecstasy last longer."

"Sure you're not forgetting anything?"

"Maybe a few shots of firewhishey."

"Did you ever think you might have a substance-abuse problem?

"The only substance problem I have is I need you to give me some tranquilizations...so I can come down off this fucking coke." He laughed bitterly. "But you are not going to, so I better leave."

"You are not going anywhere." The mediwitch replied strictly. "I will give you a vial of detoxifying draught; it will help you to get rid of cocaine. And you will take shower now; my boy, you smell like a mountain troll. Bathroom is over here". Poppy waved hand to door next to bed. "I am warning you – the healers are going to stay behind the door. You will be tied up to bed if you try to leave or to harm yourself or whatever. You have fifteen minutes, Severus."

"What to do with you…" Poppy murmured when he was gone to shower. "So young and so miserable."

"What happened to him, Madam?" Claudine asked, worried.

"He has a depression, my girl." Poppy Pomfrey sighed. "But he had never ended up like now."

"How long he will stay here?"

"I don't know, tomorrow I will owl to mind healer. It seems professor Snape got worse."

Claudine sat besides his bed and watched him sleeping. Madame Pomfrey almost forced him to take a sleep draught. Now he did look peaceful and much younger, almost boyish. His sharp features softener, he murmured something, but didn't wake up. The unruly strand of hair fell on his face and she barely could refrain to reach her hand and brush it off. Unshed tears welled in her eyes as she silently left the hospital wing.

* * *

Snape sat in bed starring around. He already spent a few days in hospital wing. Beside him, on the small table did lay his journal and quill; after much debates Madam Pomfrey agreed that Claudine would bring them.

He dipped a quill into ink and began to scribble.

_November 23, 1998_

_I sit there in my bed staring at the wall, enjoying the way the wall looks, how yellow and how white it is. Yellow and white, as far as I'm concerned, have never looked quite so yellow and white before._

_I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it._

_Yesterday they did bring Lupin here; even in much worse condition than I was. I heard murmurs about he did some muggle tranquilizations with firewhiskey. Now he is sleeping in a bed, which is in front of mine. Poor Moony, this was just one attempt of many. Just he still does not know that. _

_Pathetic, that's what it is. Pathetic_

_Minerva, Sprout and Albus came later. __I wonder if any of them can tell from just looking at me that all I am is the sum total of my pain, a raw woundedness so extreme that it might be terminal. It might be terminal velocity, the speed of the sound of a man falling down to a place from where he can't be retrieved. What if I am stuck down here for good?_

_Nothing in my life ever seemed to fade away or take its rightful place among the pantheon of experiences that constituted my thirty - eight years. _

_I remember being in a panic one day at Hogwarts when I realized that I could not even fake being the old Snape anymore. I had, indeed, metamorphosed into this nihilistic, unhappy boy. Things were bad now and would get worse later. They would. I had not heard the word depression yet, and would not for some time after that, but I felt something very wrong going on. I felt that I was wrong - my hair was wrong, my face was wrong, my personality was wrong - Merlin, my choice of flavors at the Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour was wrong! How could I walk around with such pasty white skin, such dark, doleful eyes, such straight thick black hair, such thin lips, hooked nose and being so lean? How could I let anybody see me this way? How could I expose other people to my person, to this bane to the world? I was one big mistake._

_And so, sitting in the one of corridors in dungeons, petrified that I was doomed to spend my life hiding from The Marauders this way, I fished my knife out of my bag pack. There was a sharp knife, which I did use to chop potions ingredients. I rolled up my trousers until my knees, rolled down my socks and looked at my bare white legs. A perfect, clean canvas. So I took the knife, found its sharp edge, and ran it across my lower leg, watching a red line of blood appear across my skin. I was surprised at how straight the line was and at how easy it was for me to hurt myself in this way. It was almost fun. I was always the sort to pick scabs and peel sunburned skin in sheets off my shoulders, always pestering my body. This was just the next step. I made a few more scratches, this time moving the knife more quickly, less cautiously._

_I know I can do so much more than this, I know that I could be a life force, could love with a heart full of soul, could feel with the power that flies men to the moon. I know that if I could just get out from under this depression, there is so much I could do besides cry in the Astronomy Tower on a Saturday night._

_But I can't. Because of depression._

_I am beyond repair._

_That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful._

_ S.S_

He sighed and put his journal away. Just in time: Claudine already was here. She levitated a chair and sat besides his bed.

"How are you today, sir?"

"Drugged with enormous amount of potions."

"I see. But I meant, how do you feel today?"

"Wrong."

"Try to describe it in more than one word."

"Don't ask me those questions! Don't ask me what life means or how I know reality or tell me everything will be fine. It will not. My life never was fine nor it will be! Don't play a fucking psychoanalytic!"

"I am not playing anything. I just did ask how do you feel."

"Just fuck off, Miss Cadela. Fuck. Off."

"You know, sir. I am sorry about you." She tried not to shout. "I really can't imagine how incredibly painful it must be to be you."

"So why you are questioning me? Hmm?"

"Because I want to understand. Because I care, I fucking care about you, professor. I am not going to analyze you; I just want to know how do you feel!"

"How do I feel? Indeed." He replied mockingly. "Fucked. Pissed. Full of a dense and sour substance that is blocking my chest. I feel like my heart is so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there can be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone want me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I am trying to, I want to, but I just have to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I don't have to anymore. Happy now?"

"You know. I am sorry. I am really sorry about the way you are."

"I am depressed."

"I know." Her voice was calm.

"They started to give me lithium."

"Good."

"I don't believe there is any salvation for me. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?"

"I want to tell you something. Just like other illnesses, depression can be treated. It will not be a sudden miracle. I don't know when, sir, but a day is gonna come."

"You are just goddamned optimist."

"Myself, I find nothing more depressing than optimism, sir. I am just pure realist. You must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloudshadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. After all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you."

"That just sounds so terribly sad, Claudine."


	4. Confessions

CHAPTER FOUR

CONFESSIONS

* * *

_December 1, 1998_

_Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a HANDLE WITH CARE sign stuck to my forehead. Sometimes I wish that there were a way to let people know that just because I live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt so bad the morning after. Sometimes I think that I was forced to withdraw into depression because it was the only rightful protest I could throw in the face of a world that said it was alright for people to come and go as they please, that there were simply no real obligations left._

_That's difficult. I take a dose of lithium nightly. I take antidepressant potions, mood stabilizers, neuroleptics and something else to avoid negative side effects of lithium. But I don't believe all the drugs put together can combat whatever it is that wrong with me in the first place._

_I remember one moment in my life. I was twelve or thirteen. One night there was something in my boxers. Something wet. My father said, oh, hell, your 'wet dreams'. This is where all the trouble starts. He was right._

_What has to happen in my life that it would seem better?_

_It's nonverbal: I need love. I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on. _

_Pick a woman, any woman. Every girl I ever date became Mother Mary within the first twenty-four hours of our relationship. I did know that this happens, I saw it happening, I even felt myself, sometimes, standing at some temporal crossroads, some distinct moment at which I could walk away and keep it from happening, but I never did. I grabbed at everything, I ended up with nothing, and then I felt bereft. I was mourning for the loss of something I never even had._

_Would it be the same with Claudine? __In vain__I am repeating __myself__, __that she is not __really __beautiful__, that her __tenderness is __hiding something traitorous __and her __eyes __don't say t__he truth. I like her, I really like. __She __has her own __characteristic __charm, __strangeness__, __weakness__, naive __perversity__. __And __a white __skin__, thin __arms, __round shoulders __and __plump __lips._

_It seems she likes me. Moreover – she likes me the way I am. _

_I am afraid. _

_Not for the age difference, as I told Dumbledore. Not for my past and not for my secrets. I am afraid I will not be able to maintain relationship. I am afraid to scare her. _

_I am afraid to be dumped. Damn, I must be really crazy – we even didn't share a kiss, and I am wondering about fucking relationship. _

_What a pathetic moron I am._

_They released me and Moony from a hospital wing today in the morning. Lupin looked slightly confused about everything. _

_Can't blame him. I am confused too._

_Now it is midnight._

_I am sitting by the window. It's still __raining__. __I__ love the __rain even in December. __I went out __into the yard, __so I could __feel __the __cold __drops of water __caresses __my face. __Oh, __that rain __would be able to __wash out the __thoughts and __feelings._

_Am I getting soft?_

_No. I am just insane. _

_I spent hours to decide which shampoo to use._

_You know when you are completely descended into madness? It's when the matter of shampoo has ascended to philosophical heights. _

_Trouble is, I am deadly serious. _

_S.S_

* * *

Finally the winter came to Hogwarts, freezing everything around, bringing cold, frost and Christmas sentiments. The snow began to fall, drifting against the windows, politely begging entrance and then falling with disappointment to the ground. Snow flurries swirled around people's legs like house cats. The snow was endless, a heavy blanket on the outdoors. A cold wind was blowing from the north, and it made the trees rustle like living things.

Hermione, Ginny, Ron, Harry and Claudine gathered together in the Great Hall.

"Bloody hell, Harry, what happened? Your expression is as if you were knocked by hippogriff."

"Nothing." The boy snorted. "I just have some personal problems, but I will be all right."

"Are you sure?"

"Harry, better tell us. Your mood is foul from last week."

"Hermione, is nothing serious. Really. I just have some financial problems ant that's it."

"How big your financial problems are, Harry?" Claudine asked.

He ruffled his hair. "If to speak a truth – my storage at Gringotts is…empty?"

"What? How did you manage to spend all your money?"

"I don' know, Hermione! But the fact is – I am naked like a church mouse." Harry lifted his head helplessly. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! The new term is coming, and I don't have even a sickle to buy things." He groaned and slammed his fist on the table.

"Behave, Potter." A silky voice came. It was Snape. Tall, dark and with a scornful smile on his face. "My quarters. 16 P.M. Don't be late." Within those words, he stormed off, his robes billowing.

"Oh, no. What's wrong with my destiny?" Harry wailed.

"I would better ask, what's wrong with Snape? Damned bat of dungeons."

"Professor Snape, Ron." Hermione corrected him. "But, Harry, it's your fault too. You swore."

"C'mon Hermione. Stop defending Snape. I thought he did change a bit after You-Know-Who died, but it seems there are things that do not change. Snape is one of them." Ron spat angrily. "Tell us, Claudine, how can you bear living with him?"

"Well, Ron," she smiled "I am a Slytherin, am I not?"

"You already might be crazy. I would better Kedavra myself."

"I can ensure you that I am very far from being crazy."

"We should go, Harry. You have to be in Snape's office in an hour and a half, and we have to visit library to gather information for essay about Screaming Skulls" Ron glanced to Claudine. "If your beloved will do something for my friend, I will not give a sack for my actions."

"Shut your mouth, Ronald."

"So, Ginny, who going to be you partner for Yule Ball?" Hermione asked when boys left.

"I will go with Harry, of course. What about you?"

"I am going with Ron. This year he did ask me two months before."

"Hope he will chew and swallow his food before he speaks." Claudine let a giggle.

"Hope so, Claudine with who you are going to the feast?"

"Alone."

"Alone?"

"Yes, alone."

"I don't believe nobody did ask you."

"There were some boys, but I did refuse. I would rather go alone than with a guy, which I don't like."

"But there is a boy, which do you like?"

"Err…"

"Speak."

"There is. But he is not a boy. Far from it. "

"Who is he?"

She hesitated.

"Spit it, Claudine. Say it. Now." Ginny demanded.

"Snape."

"Snape?"

"Yes, Snape." Claudine repeated calmly. "What's wrong, girls?" She saw that Hermione Granger and Ginevra Weasley choked.

"You just told that you fancy Snape! Professor Snape? Master of potions and torture, that greasy git, dungeon bat, yellow-crooked-teeth, insufferable bastard, big nose Snape?"

"Really, Claudine, what do you see in him?"

"Hey, pals. First of all, he is not greasy git. His hair is not greasy, they just in very good condition, thick and shiny. And I realized they have a blue shade."

"Oh Merlin. But what about yellow-crooked teeth?" Ginny could not stop examining.

"Who, for hell's sake, told that Snape has yellow teeth? A bit crooked, yes, but not yellow. I saw his smile – it is shiny as if would be from muggle toothpaste advertisement. I am serious."

"Maybe he did bleach them?" Hermione chuckled.

"I don't care what he did, but I like his teeth."

"You did see Snape smiling? Snape? I wish to remind you, that we are speaking about our teacher, Severus Snape. The hell must be frozen, if Snape can smile."

"I saw it, Ginny."

"Does he have fangs?"

"No. Despite the rumors, he is not a vampire." Claudine sneered.

"He is a dungeon bat, insufferable jerk, and big-nose." Ginny stated.

"Ginevra, his nose is not big actually. It just hooked nose. Personally, I see nothing wrong with his appearance. He is handsome man. I like men with hooked noses. If prefer noses like Voldemort's, it is your problem."

Ginny looked at Claudine blinking surprisingly.

"Well…" Hermione grinned. "I agree with Claudine at this point. Snape is handsome in his dark and mysterious way, but quite handsome."

"You both must be daft. He is old." Ginevra could not believe that someone might like Snape.

"He is not old. He is going to be 39 next month. Do you want to say, that man in his late 30's or early 40's is old? Especially in a wizarding world. That shows only, how narrow-minded you are, Ginny."

Hermione nodded in agreement. "You just lost this point, Ginny."

"Oh, shut up. He is a bastard."

"Yes, sometimes he is nasty, selfish and a bastard. But…"

"Do you have crush on Snape, or what?"

"I think people in seventh floor didn't hear you, Ginny. Could you shout more loudly?"

"Don't change a topic. Tell us, Claudine. Do you have crush on Snape?"

Claudine almost spat her pumpkin juice. "No, for Merlin's sake, no. It's just physical."

"What do you mean 'physical'? Do you want to shag him?"

"Indeed." Claudine grinned lasciviously.

"No bloody way. What do you like in him?" Ginny asked, irritated.

"His voice. I love the silky richness of his voice. It sounds like what a man would sound like when he's… talking to a woman while having sex. His voice is low, dark, velvety and when he gets mad he does hiss when he speaks."

"There is something else you like in him?"

Claudine nodded. "Yes."

"Spit it, you cheeky minx." Hermione demanded reaching for an apple pie.

"I like that he is sarcastic. It is not boring to have a conversation with him. He is brave – anyway, he was spy almost twenty years. I like his style. Pure gothic. When he is wearing his robes – it makes me shiver. Oh how I love it when he walks in those robes. I would clearly like it if I see what is underneath them. Sadly, he is not wearing them when he stays at room…I like-"

"Stop here. It sounds savory now. Tell us, what he is wearing at room. Or maybe he is wearing…nothing?"

"Shut it, my perverted friend. Usually he is wearing black jeans and hoodie. Sometimes he is walking in pajamas, when he is in lazy mood."

"Ok, let's go back to the things what you like in him." Hermione interrupted. "It's more interesting than fashion."

"Well, I like his eyes – sometimes I see the sadness within them and the rest of the emotions. His eyes are also another way that seduces me. I like his features – his nose, his mouth. His pale skin. He looks aristocratic. And above all this – he is extremely clever. I think I am not only one girl which wants to shag him."

"I don't want to." Ginny responded scowling at Claudine.

"But you are not the rest of other girls." Hermione snapped. "Don't pay attention to her, Claudine."

"Anyway, I have to go. My herbology lesson starts in five minutes." Ginny gathered her books and stood up. "See you later, girls."

"This girl is insufferable, I might assume you." Claudine turned to Hermione, who was quietly chewing an apple pie.

"Yes, sometimes she is. Claudine, what it means to live with him? Is he a bastard even in a private life? Does he yell at you, or mock you?"

"He is not such a snarky bastard as you all think." Claudine rolled her eyes. "Yes, sometimes he yells at me, but never mocks me. I mean we are fighting time to time, but it is normal. I think you have some fights with your roommates too, don't you?"

"Of course I have. I am living with Ron and Harry, and sometimes they really annoy me."

"So believe me. I can't complain about sharing quarters with him. Usually he is friendly with me. He is tidy, for me it is very important. He likes to talk, but not too much; he speaks only when he has what to say. He smokes, so I can also smoke in room. I am melomane, you know, I am listening music twenty-four hours a day, and I had never heard any complains."

"And what kind of music do you like?"

"Metal, rock, gothic-rock, rock 'n' roll. Also I like old bands, as "The Beatles", "The Rolling Stones", "AC\DC", "Queen", "Joy Division" etc."

"So, professor likes such stuff?"

"Yes. But I think, gothic-rock is his favorite." Claudine giggled. "I suppose, you know what gothic is?"

"It is medieval culture, but I think you are speaking about one of muggle subcultures?"

"Yes, I am speaking about gothic subculture." She picked up a cauldron cake. "You know, professor Snape is a perfect example of it."

"I can tell the same about you." Hermione took a sip of tea. "But it fits to you. Your white skin, strict haircut, red lips. I would not be surprised if it appears that he likes you too."

"If to speak the truth – I don't know what to think. Once we almost did share a kiss, but at the last moment he just ran away."

"What?"

"Yes, he simply turned on heel and stormed off to his bedroom. End of fairytale."

"Strange. He doesn't look to be such type who afraid of women." Hermione bent over table and whispered, "There were rumors that once he was caught with seven year hufflepuff in a brooms closet."

Claudine stopped to study her hands. "Wow. But how he wasn't expelled?"

"I guess Dumbledore smoothed out everything. Everybody knows that professor Snape was and still is his favorite teacher. I am not sure if those rumors were true. I had not seen. It can be as true as rumors that he is a vampire. By the way, Claudine, what are you planning to wear at Yule Ball?"

"A dress. A black, long, silky gown with deep décolleté in the back. And high stilettos."

"Any jewelry?"

"No jewelry. I have a tattoo over the entire back. It will be my jewelry. What about you?"

"I have a creamy dress from the thinnest mohair. It will suit with pearl necklace and earrings and ballet shoes tied with creamy ribbons."

"Sounds beautiful. You are lucky, you can wear light colors."

"And you cannot?"

"Of course I cannot. I am so pale. I would drown in light colors." Claudine shoved the last piece of cauldron cake to her mouth. "I think we should go. It's too much food; we will not fit into our dresses if we stay here eating for more. Any lessons left to you?"

"No, but I have to go to library. I need to finish this damn essay about Ghouls."

"Ghouls are not very pleasant creatures."

"And what is worst – there is not much information about them." Hermione stood and fixed her skirt. "Are you coming?"

"I will go to Astronomy tower, so see you later."

* * *

By four o'clock that afternoon, however, even the glow of having successfully found information about Screaming Skulls, could not lighten the ominous feelings that intensified with every step Harry took towards Snape's quarters.

"Are you okay, mate?" Ron asked.

"Yes, Ron. You should better go back to library. I don't want Snape giving a detention for you too."

"Are you sure, Harry?"

"Yes. Now go."

He paused outside the door when he reached it, wishing he were almost anywhere else, then, taking a deep breath, he knocked and entered.

The shadowy room was lined with shelves bearing hundreds books. Not with preserved creatures or potions ingredients, like he saw last time, at his occlumency lessons in dungeons. Fireplace sprayed cozy and warm light.

"Shut the door behind you, Potter."

Harry did as he was told, with the horrible feeling that he was imprisoning himself. When he turned back into the room, Snape had moved towards armchair near fireplace and was pointing silently at the armchair opposite his. Harry sat down and so did Snape, his cold black eyes fixed unblinkingly upon Harry.

"Well, Potter, I see, you are in trouble," he said. "As I heard from your conversation in the Great Hall."

"Right," said Harry tersely. "And you decided to give me a detention."

"You are wrong, Potter." Snape replied simply.

"So, what do you want from me then, sir?"

"Are you really completely out of your money, Potter?"

"Why do you ask me, sir?"

"Just tell me, yes or no."

"Yes, sir." said Harry, looking directly into Snape's eyes and wondering whether Snape would answer.

Snape surveyed him through narrowed eyes for a moment, then handed him a parchment.

"Go to the Gringotts tomorrow and take this with you. They will give you money. It supposes to be enough to purchase what you need for the next term and even should remain for other needs."

"I...I don't know, sir. I can't take it." He stuttered.

"Why, Potter?"

"I will not be able to give that money back soon, sir."

"Don't you think I know? Just take this parchment and don't twist your head."

"But, sir..."

"Do as you are ordered, Potter." Snape said dangerously. "Take it."

Harry shyly took the parchment and placed it into his pocket. He stared to Snape not sure, what to tell.

"Thank you, sir." He murmured finally, being afraid to meet Snape's eyes.

"And be warned, Potter… I shall know if you have not used it."

"Yes, sir."

"You may go, Potter." Snape waved his hand in dismissal.

"Goodbye, sir." Harry mumbled. He picked up his schoolbag, swung it over his shoulder and hurried towards door. As he opened it, he glanced back at Snape, who sat stiff, watching to the flames dancing in fireplace. Harry left without another word, closing the door carefully behind him.

He found Ron and Hermione in the library. Other students, nearly all of them seventh-years, sat at lamp-lit tables nearby, noses close to books, quills scratching feverishly, while the sky outside the mullioned windows grew black. The only other sound was the slight squeaking of one of Madam Pince's shoes, as the librarian prowled the aisles menacingly, breathing down the necks of those touching her precious books. He sat down opposite Ron and Hermione.

"How did it go?" Hermione whispered, and then, looking concerned. "Are you all right, Harry?"

"Yeah… fine… I dunno."

"So… how was your detention?" whispered Ron, as Madam Pince swept past, squeaking slightly. "Was it hard?"

"It's allright." Harry decided that it is better not to tell them about conversation with Snape. "Listen...where I can find Lupin?"

"Seventh floor, next door to Snape's quarters." Ron whispered. "Why?"

"I just need to talk with him…about Screaming Skulls," he lied. "I am going then."

Hermione let out a long, slow sigh.

"Of course, you have to disturb a professor instead searching information yourself," she breathed."I heard he is ill."

"He held lessons today, Hermione." Harry told, stuffing the homework planner into his bag. "Don't worry, I won't disturb him so long." And he swept off from library.

* * *

Harry knocked slightly on the door and waited for response. Nothing. He knocked again, this time more hard.

"Who is here?" finally came a response.

"It's me, Harry, can I come in, professor?"

"Enter."

The room was large, but dark and dusty. He fingered old little table rising a cloud of dust. Sighing he looked around. Old bed sheltered by the wall. Besides the bed stood shattered empty bookcase and a wardrobe. Only light in fireplace gave some warm to this room.

"So…" Professor Lupin took a seat and indicated that Harry should do the same. "Which winds did bring you here, Harry?"

"Professor, I need to talk about Snape."

"What's wrong with Snape?"

"I don't understand him, sir." Said Harry heavily, looking up into Lupin's prematurely lined face. "I am in trouble with money and Snape offered his help. He gave me this." Harry handed a parchment to Lupin. "It's a payout check."

"Yes, it is payout check." Lupin rolled a parchment in his hands and gave it back to Harry.

"Do you think I should use it, sir?"

"What Snape said about repayment of the debt?"

"He told me I don't have to twist my head about it."

"Well-" Lupin cleared his throat. "I think you have to accept it. Harry, I know you don't like Snape, but can you trust him. If he says something, he means it."

"But why he helps me? He loathes me."

"It seems that he doesn't have so much hate towards you, Harry." Lupin smiled. "So, accept his support and that's it. You need money, don't you?"

"Yes…I need…just I don't understand why he decided to help me?"

"Harry…Harry. You should better ask when he did not help you? If not he, today you would not sit here, in front of me. So just take that money and be grateful."

"You are right, sir." Harry sighed. "I have to be grateful."

"All right then…" said Lupin. "You might go, Harry. I am really sorry, but I don't feel well today."

"Sorry sir. Goodnigh."

* * *

Snape took a glass of firewhiskey and sat down in his armchair near the fireplace. It was nice to feel that he had almost a year free of lessons. Although, having said that, there was something he was looking forward to and he turned her gaze towards his bookcase.

_Books._

How he _loved_ his collection of books. Magical books dwelt on the history. Reading was probably his greatest pleasure; what that said about him he didn't care much to contemplate. He got up and passed by his dark arts and potions collection, running a finger over the worn spines. He touched one book and sniffed.

Quiet knock came on the door.

"Come in." He recognized that it was Lupin. He did always knocked quickly and quietly. "Damn this werevolf to hell." He mumbled to himself.

"Hello, Severus." He greeted him.

"Lupin…What a... surprise. And what brought you here to ruin my precious evening?" Snape muttered without bother to turn.

"Severus. Could you prepare some wolfsbane for me?"

"No problem. Sit down for a while." He waved to armchair near fireplace. "I just will put ingredients for wolfsbane to simmer."

Lupin looked around the room. It was luxurious. Shelves with books were over the entire wall. Stained glass windows, high ceiling, huge fireplace and antique furniture gave a mysterious breath to the room.

"Lupin, do you fancy some tea or coffee?" Silky baritone came.

"A cup of tea would be nice, Severus."

Snape came back with a tray.

"Why don't you just conjure a tea, Severus?" Lupin asked watching how he put on the table a teapot, two cups, lemons, sugar and plate with tiny crisp cookies.

"Because I believe that brewed tea is much better than conjured one." Snape sat down in front of Lupin and filled cups with tea, then pulled out of his pocket a packet of cigarettes. "Fancy a cigarette?"

"It's dozen cancer sticks, Snape." Lupin replied leaning to his cup. "Severus, why did you give money to Potter?"

"Who told you this?"

"Harry told. He came to me earlier today."

"Brat."

"Just tell me, why you helped him."

"He ran out of money." Snape replied dryly. "Do you have a habit to interfere to other peoples business?"

Lupin pretended he didn't hear the last part.

"Why do you care about Harry, Snape? You loathe him."

They stood in silence for a while.

"I don't loathe him." Severus finally spoke in a low voice. "Nor ever I did."

"I can't catch a point then, Snape."

"Remus, had you ever thought, why Sirius hated me all the time? I am not speaking about school times, I am speaking about later."

"You were a Death Eater."

"It was just one of the reasons."

Lupin did run his hand thorough his hair. "Explain me."

"Lily's and James marriage wasn't a candy wrapped in a pink." He lit up a cigarette. "They had marital disputes. After one rough fight, Lily came to me. Merlin, I hadn't an intention to bring her to bed. But..."

"But it happened?"

"Indeed. I don't know even how."

"I think I need a cigarette." Lupin murmured. "So, Lily did cheat James with you?" He asked inhaling deeply.

"Exactly. Somehow, Sirius found out about this. Maybe Lily told him, I don't know. He believed I took advantage for her. But he got absolutely mad when Harry born."

"Why?"

"Not James is Harry's father." Snape grimaced. "Sirius was in shock, I believe. He had to be. His godson was not his best friend's son but a sniveling coward's."

"You don't want to say, that…"

"I am his father, Remus." Snape whispered hoarsely. "I am."

Between them stood an awkward silence.

"Well, but it explains a lot." Remus finally spoke. "That's why you were so protecting him all those years. Just I don't understand why you were so mean towards him and why you didn't tell him who you really are."

"It was a part of my spy game, Lupin."

"But now you can tell him. I think you have to tell him. Tell him the truth, Snape."

"NO!" Snape yelled. "How can I tell? Tell him the truth and destroy his illusions about heroic father? To broke his identity? I don't think I have a right." Snape's eyes darkened to black and became icy, unreachable. "Look at me, Lupin. Am I look like a perfect father? I am practically mental because of that fucking depression, and I am addicted. Almost all the time I am thinking to avoid commiting suicide, and how to get more drugs. And when I get them, I use them. I am sick man, Remus, I am not suitable for father's role."

"Don't you think that the boy has a right to know his roots? Grasp yourself to the hands and tell him. You are lucky, Severus. You have your son here, you could see him growing up, and you can talk with him. I don't have such luck. Teddy is somewhere and I can't find him. He disappeared and no traces left."

"How? How he could disappear?"

It took Lupin a few seconds to answer. Snape observed him as he tried to formulate an answer to his question.

"When I recovered enough to be able to walk after Dolohov knocked me out, I went to Nymphadora's parent's home. However, it was too late. They did move, and I do not know where. I heard they did change their names, but I don't have any exact information." He buried his face into his palms. "Then I decided to leave England. I gave up, Severus. I gave up."

"Why you did come back here, Lupin?"

"Because nowhere I felt like I am at home. I did wander from place to place, from country to country, but everywhere I was nothing, but a stranger. You know, I even visited Tibet, I managed to spend there about three months," he looked up to Snape. "One day they found out that I am a werewolf and the game was over."

"Remus, I don't know what to tell," said Snape heavily "I don't know how to comfort; I can't say that everything will be fine, because I do not know this. Moreover - I am sure, it will not be fine."

"I don't need pity, I only meant a talking."

"All right then, Lupin. Maybe don't loose a faith." He stood up and stretched himself. "By the way, your wolfsbane supposed to be done. I'll be back soon." Snape stormed off and came back holding two small vials.

"I improved it a bit: it allows you not only to retain your human mind but also you'll keep your human form. You must drink one vial immediately now." He handed a vial with shining liquid to Remus. "And other one, you have to take only five drops each second day."

"Thank you." Remus took the vials. "How did you improve the wolfsbane?"

"It's a long story, Remus. I am not in mood to teach potions today. Just drink it. Or do you think I am going to poison you?"

"Who knows you, Snape?" Lupin saw Snape's onyx eyes narrowing angrily. "I'm joking, Severus. Don't be so sour."

"I am not in mood for silly jokes and chit chats, Lupin. At least not today." Snape yawned. "By the way, I wish to take a nap. So you may leave."

"Are you angry on me, Severus?"

"Angry? No, Lupin. I am not." Snape smirked wearily. "But I am tired."

Lupin sighed and headed to the door. "See you later, Severus."

"Lupin."

He turned back. "What?"

"What I told you…No one can know." Said Snape forcefully. "No one."

"It is your choice Severus."

* * *

_22 December, 1998_

_No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse._

_True. _

_I started to crush and snort muggle medicine. Again. _

_I crush up pills and snort them like dust. They are my sugar. They are the sweetness in the days that have none. They drip through me like honey. Then they are gone. Then I need more. I always need more._

_My pills are methylphenidate hydrochloride, brand name Methylin. I am crushing them and snorting it up, as if it is cocaine, and something different happens in my brain, a scratchy rush._

_I inhale forty pills a day._

_That is how I spend my days: I smash up powder and make it go away._

_Every addict tells the same stories about where drugs took them. Mostly it's about where you spent the night, blackouts: I woke up in Hogsmead, I woke up on a bench in one of the parks of muggle London, I woke up in Knockturn Alley, I woke up in my own vomit, I woke up in a hospital wing. Then I quit heroin._

_I started to snort muggle pills five years ago. I was on this addiction maybe a year. After that, I quit them, and now I am crushing them again._

_Again. _

_My addiction to substances, it seems to be never ending story. A vicious circle, which imprisoned me. And by now, my whole life is about the next five minutes._

_That is all I need to worry about. Otherwise I might not exist. The only time that matters is the minutes between pills when all I think about is my next line._

_The first time I did coke I was seventh year student. The first time I did heroin was on my nineteenth birthday, in Malfoy's manor. That day I joined Death Eaters. I remember I kept asking Lucius for more and more. He said a few snorts is enough, but I kept asking for more. The first time I took Ecstasy it was 1985. I got scared like a teething infant who does not know what's happening to him, only that it hurts, only that there is no way to communicate this pain except to scream and cry. The first time I snorted crystal meth, which was also the last time, it was after first Harry's occlumency lesson. After that I was awake for the next three days. _

_The first time, the first time, the first time: It never gets better than that._

_S.S_

* * *

To be continued...


	5. Capitulation

CHAPTER FIVE

CAPITULATION

* * *

The staff meeting was due to finish at any moment. Snape stood at the back of office, his expression unreadable.

"Before ending this meeting," said professor McGonagall "I have to remind to you all that the Yule Ball is approaching a traditional part of the Christmas Eve. Every staff member must attend it. Moreover I will ask you to remind for students that the ball will be open only to fourth years and above - although they may invite a younger student if they wish."

"Dress robes will be worn," she continued, "and the ball will start at eight o'clock on Christmas Day, finishing at midnight in the Great Hall, as always. You all are dismissed."

There stood the usual scuffle of activity as everyone took their belongings and headed to the door.

Minerva McGonagall called above the noise, "professor Snape - a word, if you please."

"What do you want, Minerva?" Snape replied, sneering as usualy. "I am in a hurry."

"To chrush another pill, Severus? Do you think, that I don't know?" she said coldly. "I know."

"It is none of your business, Minerva." He felt himself going red.

"Oh yes, it is," said Professor McGonagall irritably. "Until you are teacher here and I am deputy headmistress. Quit this nonsense if you do not want to be fired."

"If you think I care, you are seriously mistaken, Minerva." Snape's lips curled into a nasty grin. "You can expell me even today, if you wish. I don't care."

"Today I will not expell you, but I am warning you, Snape you are on thin ice."

_Déjà vu. Déjà fucking vu._

"No, Minerva. I am pretty sure I am on stone floor."

"You need help, Severus," said Professor McGonagall firmly. "Seek for the help until it's not too late."

"You know, what, Minerva?" Snape paced thorough the office. "Everything in my life is already too late." Within those words, he was gone.

* * *

_December 24, 1998_

_The Christmas day is tomorrow. Students are singing Christmas carols in corridors, in Great Hall, in their dormitories. Everywhere. It seems they think of Christmas as a good time; a kind, forgiving, generous, pleasant time. This is a kind of charming, but I am not happy with._

_I can't stop crying._

_So, I am hiding in my bedroom, doors locked up, crying. I don't understand, and it's not the loud, screaming crying. It's just the tears continuously roll down my face, and I can't do anything to stop them. It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothing is right._

_I am wondering, when I will get to the bottom? When I will be able to resist and finally to rise up?_

_I do drugs. Drugs help me to keep my brain busy. When you do drugs, you count like a chemist: how many hours between doses? How much or how little do you need to maintain? You count days. You wait for the rain to stop, for the sky to clear, for life to ever seem normal again. But it doesn't happen. Then you start to count how many cups of black coffee you need just to get through every day, how many cigarettes you smoke, how many hours you cried. _

_I am crushing up my pills, I am snorting coke, I am taking Ecstasy. I snort, swallow and inhale almost anything. It seems I already consumed whole Periodic table._

_And on top of my addiction, on top of the mess what already I am, I started to cut myself again. _

_It just happened. One moment I was shaving, another moment a razor blade was on my arm. I did run it gently against my skin, cutting in deeper and deeper, watching the blood burst out and slowly flowing down my arm. It didn't solve anything or took the pain away, but for those few seconds everything was all right. That's the problem with cutting. Once you start, you can't stop. It's addicting. You can refrain from it for some time, but you can't stop. Once I cut, I forget about everything that has been wrong. All that is left is my concentration on my cut. I forget about everything but the pain. Pain has become my world. I know, that what I am doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, I just can't stop it. _

_However, neither self-mutilation, nor the drugs are the problem. I don't do it for a pleasure; I do so I could at least temporarily get out of the terrible state in which I keep._

_I myself am a problem. I am falling like the leaves from an old tree. I can do nothing. _

_S.S _

"Sir?" Claudine knocked on his door. "Sir, are you all right?"

Snape angrily brushed his hand against his face. Damn and damnation, why anyone has to disturb him when he is in his worst condition?

"What do you want?" he replied controlling his voice. "I am busy."

"Can I come in, sir?"

"No."

Claudine did not bother to reply. She tried various unlocking spells to break a protective charm, finally one worked. Door opened with loud 'crack'.

He was lying on a bed, looking so terrified.

"Sir?" Claudine patted his shoulder. "What happened?"

_Of course._

He cried.

"Sir, look at me." She ordered.

He turned to her, grabing her hand. It was scary: Snape's lips were shaking, his face was white, his teeth were bared.

"So," said Snape, gripping Claudine's arm so tightly her hand was starting to feel numb. "So…

You are enjoying yourself now?"

"No!" screamed Claudine, trying to free her arm. "You were crying all the morning that's why

"That's why you did break into my room? To laugh on me? To enjoy the view of crying professor, yes? Amusing woman you are, aren't you?"

"Stop it!" She finally freed her arm from his grip. "I am not enjoying the way you are or you feel. I just couldn't bear this. Do you really think I am so cruel?"

Snape threw Claudine from him with all his might. She fell hard on to the floor.

"You will not repeat what you saw to anybody!" Snape bellowed.

"No. No, of course I w..."

"Get out, get out, I don't want to see you in this room ever again!"

But she didn't hurtled towards the door. Instead, Claudine took a step towards him, panting with anger and rubbing her bruised arm.

"Don't you dare to hit me again, sir." She hissed furiously thorough bared teeth. "One more time, and I promise you will regret. Look, what you have done!" She pulled her sleeve up.

As Severus stared at her, he noticed that there was a big, almost black bruise on her soft skin. His anger vanished immediately. Snape buried his face in his palms, breathing heavily.

"You are such a disaster, sir." Her now calm voice came.

"I agree." He murmured his face still in his hands. "What I can say? I am sorry, but I have no excuse."

Claudine stood still in front of Snape. Part of her wanted just to smash his face into the wall, part of her was sorry for him. She inhaled deeply and sat besides him.

"I really want to hit you, sir." She finally spoke. "No, don't hit. Smash your face. That's exactly what I want now."

"Do it." Snape replied quietly, turning his face towards her. "Do it."

"No."

"Why not? I deserved it."

"I will not compromise to your level, sir. After all, I can't." Claudine shook her head. "You are already punished."

Severus watched as Claudine slowly became a different girl in his mind. Black hair curtained her face and sad eyes were far more obvious than before, and her face was paler than usual. She was not just a pretty, attractive girl anymore, she brought something deeper to him.

Snape suddenly felt the urge to hug her, to whisper comforting words, to run his hand thorough her thick and soft hair, to do something, anything that would bring smile and laughter to her lips, but with a sharp inhale of dread, he crushed that impulse immediately.

In truth, he was terrified.

He could admit to himself, that he wants her, that she is tempting him, but that was all. But now something had changed. Not only about her. Something had changed about him too.

And he did not like it even the slightest.

* * *

Snape straightened his robes one last time, brushed the non-existent dust off of them, and took one long deep breath as he surveyed his reflection in the mirror. Dark suit with a high collar fitted like a glove, black hair framed a strict, pale face. He fished a small bottle out of his pocket, took two pills out and crushed between his fingers. Carefully, trying to prevent a trace of white powder on clothes and face, Snape snorted them. Once again, he gave a critical eye to his image in the mirror and hurried down to the Great Hall; he was already late for half an hour.

When he entered the Great Hall, all subsided briefly, and then whispers rippled. Neither students, nor the staff of Hogwarts did not expect that professor Snape could be late. Always angry, sullen professor who often liked to be alone, self-contained among books and potions, was very well known for his punctuality.

"Very well, Professor. Thank you for the coming at least." It was Minerva. Her voice didn't promise anything good. "What do you think, Severus? Are you aware how much you are late?"

Snape laid a hand on his chest and assumed a shocked expression."Did I late?" His black eyes reflected mockery.

Professor McGonagall peered sternly over her glasses at Snape. "How you dare?" She snapped.

Snape's smirk deepened into a full sarcastic smile. "As you see, Minerva. Simply."

She poked the Potions Master firmly in the chest as she exclaimed furiously. "Be warned, Snape any more messings with me and I will personally make sure you are fired. Merry Christmas to you."

In a second Snape's wand rested on Minerva's neck. "No, Minerva." He hissed thorough clenched teeth. "You don't mess with me. Am I understood?"

"Enough!"

Snape turned his head: behind his stood the headmaster, Professor Dumbledore. Snape's whole body went numb. Dumbledore was looking unusually grave. He stared down his very crooked nose at him.

There was a long silence. Then Dumbledore said, "Please explain."

"He pointed his wand into my neck, Albus." Minerva spat angrily. "He had no right to do it just because I told him that he is late."

"That," said Dumbledore, "is obvious. But I am not asking you, Minerva. I am asking professor Snape."

"But, Albus."

"All right. I will not interfere into your business. You are both adults and I am sure, you will be able to sort this accident or whatever it was, later. We must to join back the feast, Minerva. Come, Severus, there's a delicious-looking cake with cream filling I want to try." And they headed to the table with food.

"Well, what are you looking at?" Minerva yelled at few surprised hufflepuffs. "Go back to your friends if you don't want to get a detention!" She gave them a piercing look.

Terrified students fled each to their own way.

"Damn this man to hell!" Minerva bumbled under her nose as she went to join Professor Sprout.

"Severus, eat something. Food is very nice today."

"I am not hungry, Albus." Snape protested.

"My boy, you look like you came from concentration camp." Suggested Dumbledore. "You must eat better."

"C'mon Albus. It is not that bad. I will eat later."

"All right my boy." Dumbledore took another piece of custard cake. "By the way, what happened with Harry? He just stays in the corner and looks sad."

"I don't know, Albus. And if speak the truth I don't care." Snape replied in a dry voice, secretly glancing Harry; he really looked very sorrowful. "I need a cigarette, so excuse me for a moment." He saw that Harry went out.

"You should quit smoking, Severus. It is harmful."

"Stop it, Albus. I'll be back soon."

Pretending he is patrolling Snape edged around the yard and slipped out into the garden. Fluttering fairy lights in the rose garden winked and twinkled and he found himself surrounded by bushes; winding, ornamental paths; and large stone statues. Snape could hear splashing water, which sounded like a fountain. Here and there, students were sitting on carved benches. He found Harry at the very end of the garden, sitting on an old wooden bench. Shivering, he wrapped his arms around himself, as if he was trying to get warmer, to protect himself against the harsh winter cold.

"What are you doing here, Potter?" Snape asked in smooth, silky voice.

"Nothing, sir."

"Potter, please look at me when I am talking to you."

Harry slowly raised his head; his eyes were red, as if he was crying.

"What happened, Potter?"

"Nothing, sir. I am just tired."

"Don't lie, Potter." Snape replied calmly.

"It's Ginny." Finally the boy spoke.

"Ginny what, Potter? I didn't quite catch that."

"SheShe told meThat, that shedoesn't Harry stuttered and hid his face into his hands.

"Please speak up, Potter." Snape sat besides Harry. "Or I will be forced to use legilimency."

"She dumped me." Harry spat. "She told that she isn't ready for serious relationship, that she wants to have fun, to meet other boys and other sort of that stuff."

Snape sighed. Affairs of the heart were not in his competence. He lit up a cigarette and inhaled deeply. What he should say to this miserable boy?

"How old are you, Potter?"

"I am seventeen, sir."

"Don't you think, you are so young too for serious relationship?"

Harry shook his head. "No, sir. I always thought, that Ginny is my one and only. And now she left me. Damn! What I will do now?" He angrily slammed his fist on the desk.

"Behave, Potter." Snape's voice was calm. "Well, personally I think, that you are taking your crush so seriously." He cleared his throat. "You are only seventeen, Potter. Boy, have a life. Go to the parties, play quiddich, hang around other girls, study, enjoy a carefree adolescence. Otherwise, you will not notice how you will be married with five children and argue for cabbages with your wife."

Harry let a silent chuckle. "It appears you have a sense of humor, sir."

"Sometimes. So, Potter, wipe this miserable expression away and go to join the feast. There are Cuba Libre cocktails, take one or two."

Harry gasped with surprise. "I thought its just Cola."

"It was. Until Weasley twins didn't spiked it with rum." Snape smirked. "So enjoy, but don't even try to get drunk. It will not help to feel better but to get a detention."

"All right, sir. Thank you."

"No problem, Potter. Now, go."

Snape had expected the boy to hurry off the moment it was clear that he could go, but Harry made no move to leave.

"Sir, I wondered if I might ask you something?"

"Go on." Snape narrowed his eyes curiously.

"I was wondering if you knew...well, if you knew my mother, since you were in the same class, right? I saw in your memories which you..." Exhaling, Harry forced himself finish a sentence. "Did you know her, sir?"

"Yes." Snape answered softly.

"You did?" Harry's heart began to beat faster. "What was she like?"

"This is neither the time nor place for such a discussion, Potter."

"Then when, sir?"

"Probably after New Year, Potter. During holiday. I will let you know, now go."

In a way back to the castle, Snape had his wand out and was blasting rosebushes apart. Squeals issued from many of the bushes, and dark shapes emerged from them.

"Malfoy!" Snape snarled as blondie boy ran out of bush. "Next time you will lose points!" Draco stood in front of Snape, petrified.

"What are you doing here, Malfoy?" Snape hissed. "Miss Granger, I can see you." He snapped mockingly, as Hermione tried to hide herself deeper under the bush.

"Nnothing, sir." Draco stuttered. "We just..."

"Tidy up and go back to the Great Hall. Both of you. If I see you behind those bushes again, you will get a detention. I promise. And please, zip your dress, Miss Granger."

As they headed back to the castle, Snape brushed past them, his long black cloak billowing out behind him.

"Well, but you took some time, my boy." Dumbledore reproached him when he came back. "Where you have been so long?"

"I was outside, Albus."

"You will miss all party like that, Severus."

"Albus, you know perfectly that I don't care about parties." Snape smirked. "Now excuse me, but I wish to eat something." Within those words Snape strode to the table with food.

Food was really nice. He ate some crispy salads, Escargots de Bourgogne and Crème brûlée. He was enjoying a glass of Madeira wine, when familiar voice came behind him.

"Merry Christmas, sir."

Snape just froze, when he saw Claudine. He didn't expect to see such a change in her appearance. Now she was far far away from that girl which he knew.

Long, silky dress lay perfectly on her petite body. Her hair was impeccably dressed and straightened. Raven black hair and black dress, bright red lips emphasized her porcelain skin. When she turned her back to him, Snape was even more baffled dress was cut out very deeply, her back was naked and did not hide the tree of life tattoo on her whole back.

"Merry Christmas, Miss Cadela." He greeted her and she smiled to him, revealing her white, healthy teeth. Her eyes glittered and face was slightly flushed. Snape could swear that she was a bit tipsy.

"Care for dance, sir? The song is very beautiful."

Snape narrowed his eyebrows. "I don't do dance, Miss Cadela." He replied with a sneer.

"Please, sir. Just one dance." Claudine stretched out her hand.

She blushed when his hand caught hold of her waist. His smell, heavy and spicy; easily excited and dizzied her. Snape noticed that her eyes were closed, lips played blissful smile. Her beauty tempted him, attracted him, he wanted to kiss her red lips, white neck and naked shoulders. Whole atmosphere was enchanted, full of magic, desire and lust.

Snape felt he could no longer endure this sweet misery. He had to show off from her. Suddenly he stopped.

"I need to drink something." He barked hoarsely and headed to teachers table. Taking a glass of wine Snape let out a long sigh and went to balcony. Frosty wind made moan, Earth stood hard as iron, snow had fallen, the sky was dark and gloomy. Temporary sweetness, caused by Methylin started to fade away, leaving him empty, numb and scared.

"Sir?" Claudine's silver voice echoed from behind.

"What?" He turned back to her.

"Are you all right, sir?"

"Yes, yes, of course." He replied in distracted voice.

"Sir?" After a moment, she spoke again.

"Miss Cadela?"

"I've been thinking about Wagner's opera."

"And so?"

"In it, he says that perfection can only be arrived at when what is conventionally thought of as sin. This must surely have to do with the energy created by the friction of opposites."

"Opposites?" Snape cocked his eyebrow.

"Yes. For example that you're the teacher and I'm the student...and all other kinds of darker differences."

"Darker?"

"If I'm right, only the clash of destructive forces can create something new."

Suddenly he sucked in her puffy red lips. He felt how naked, hot hands hugged his neck, how she responded with furious, almost painful, hungry kiss. She tasted so good - of coffee and cigarette; so perfect, for what he had hoped. Claudine couldn't get enough of him. His hair smelled of sandalwood, herbs and something spicy, oriental. Snape twined his fingers in her black hair and held her hard into him, opening his mouth immediately and letting her tongue search into his.

That coiling need in his belly now writhed frantically, finally revealing itself for the lust it had always been. They went for each other's mouths as if months of longing and need had been building to this moment. Hot and open, they explored and kissed with frantic desperation and didn't hear the steps coming toward them...


	6. Falling

CHAPTER SIX

FALLING

* * *

"Lumos!" They heard, but it was too late. Minerva McGonagall stood behind them. Her expression did not promise anything good.

"What the hell… Miss Cadela, go to your room! I will speak with you tomorrow. And you," she poked Snape into chest. "You will go with me." Minerva looked into Snape's dark eyes. He made sure not to show the surprise and fear that was coursing through him as she stood there.  
"B…b…but, Professor ..." Claudine tried to protest. "Here..." She did not manage to finish the sentence.  
"Miss Cadela! Bring your ass into room. Immediately. Otherwise, Slytherins are going to lose all points earned by this year."

Claudine brought her icy-blue eyes up to Snape; he just nodded slightly. "Go"

The castle was darker than it usually was in late evening because of the thick, swirling gray snow at every window. Shivering, Snape walked past McGonagall. They stepped off the stone staircase at the top, and Professor McGonagall rapped on the door. It opened silently and they entered.

Minerva with a bang shut her office door and furiously turned to Snape:

"What was the meaning of this? What do you think for Merlin's sake? Snogging in the balcony and even with your student?"

"I…well, I..." Snape stammered, his voice trembling.

"If you think to deny, look at the mirror first. Even on your collar, I can see lipstick marks, not to mention about your face. So I am asking again, what does all this mean? I never thought that you could take advantage of your student!"

Snape got wild. "I am not denying that I kissed her! I am admitting my guilt. Because I do not know how it happened. Because I had to stop, but did not stop. I had to think about what I do, but I did not. However, you cannot blame me for the fact that I am abusing my student! I never did this and will never do. I did always control myself. Until tonight. Nevertheless, what happened that happened. Minerva, for fuck's sake, I am not made from iron." He grinned disdainfully.

Minerva stiffed. She stood, does not knowing what to say and watched how Snape nervously ruffs his hair.

"You can write me up even today." the thoughts of Minerva were interrupted by hissing. "I told you, I know, I am guilty. But-"

"Save your breath, Snape!" Minerva bellowed. "Can't you find a woman of your age or what? Why you have to hung around the student?"

"I have already explained to you." Spat out through clenched teeth Snape. "I- "

"Of course, you can't." She didn't allow him to finish. "Which normal woman would even look into you? Can't you go to Knocturn Alley if you have _needs_? Do you know who you are? Pervert! Pathetic waste of wizard, a sniveling coward! That's who you are. Even Lily Evans didn't want to have a business with you and she was right! She died just because of your fault." Minerva has completely lost control. "A murderer, a coward, a pervert! Even rotting bodies are less offensive than you are." She hissed contemptuously and her face was suddenly demented, inhuman.

"Did you finish, Minerva?" Snape said finally. His voice sounded empty and dead.

Professor McGonagall clapped a hand to her mouth. It seemed only now she realized what she just said.

"Severus...I…" Her voice trailed.

"Do not bother, Minerva."

"Severus…I really didn't mean…"

Snape turned and looked at her. His eyes were cold, and his face was hard.  
"You made your opinion of me perfectly clear, Minerva. Now I am going. You can do whatever you want."

"I…" She put her hand on his shoulder. "Severus, I really…"

"I won't have you berate me again." He angrily pushed her hand off. "Keep away from me!" Within those words, Snape turned and ran out of the office.

He ran in a dark corridor, tears dwelled in his eyes. Now her every word pierced him like a knife.

_Murderer!_

_Coward!_

_Pervert!_

Snape entered his quarters and slammed the door behind him. His chest burned within him.

_"Oh, how I hate her!"_ He murmured as he threw himself into the armchair near fireplace. His hands clenched into fists, and his breath came out in quick bursts. He took a book from a table, he began to read, but his mind could not block out the words which Minerva told him.

_Murderer!_

_Coward!_

Tears of fury blotched the page, tears that he could not stop, his body was shaking from the racking sobs.

He didn't hear the approaching footfalls on the wooden floor or notice the slight figure of a girl coming towards him. He didn't realize anyone was there at all till she laid her hand of his shoulder. "Sir?"

No reaction. Snape just sat, looking down, and his hair fell in front of his face, shielding it from her stare.

"Sir, what happened?" Claudine patted his shoulder.

"Nothing." He replied in a low, raspy voice. "Go to sleep, Miss Cadela."

"Sir, please. Tell me."

Snape gave her an empty stare. "I am not sure there's anything left to tell," he said in a hollow voice.

"Well, surely…"

"Good night, Miss Cadela."

Late that night Severus Snape went to sleep. He sat by the window in the dark and sank into a chaotic whirl of thoughts and feelings. On his neck, he felt the warm touch of her bare arms, her kiss burned his lips, delicate sense of her fragrance still evaporated around him and her sighs burned in his ears." Am I such a pervert?" He asked himself. Even leaving behind the fact, that he is a teacher, and she – very young student, he could not justify his behavior. For Snape it seemed that he just despised his being. It seemed contrived and insane, that he bowed to erotic charm of young girl.

Wallowing in sorrow, he tried to sleep, hoping to find a peace. However, even sleep did not bring him serenity. He dreamt of Claudine. He dreamt how she pulled away her dress with one hand swing like wiping off all the restrictions, regulations, and the whole civilization. Her slender body in moonlight was dazzlingly white.

But McGonagall's spoken words echoed constantly in the background.

_Murderer! _

_Pervert! _

_Coward!_

* * *

The day chased the day. Neither Claudine nor Snape spoke about the incident. Both behaved as if nothing had happened. Snape stopped to leave his rooms. He took his meals in his quarters and secluded himself from the rest of the staff. With Claudine he interacted only when it was strictly needed. Every night he dreamt of her - the scene how she pulled away her dress with one hand swing repeated in each dream. Working became extremely difficult for him; mostly he just sat staring blankly in the book. He could not concentrate anymore.

_"No! Don't kill me!" _

_"The prophecy did not refer to a women. It spoke of a boy born at the end of July."  
"Yes but, he thinks its her son! He intends to hunt them down now, to kill them. Hide her, hide them all. I beg you."_

_"What will you give me in return, Severus?" _

_"Anything."_

Snape gasped as the memory flooded his senses. While the war had been going on, hehad been able to push all of this down into a little ball. He'd had many other things to occupy his thoughts. He had mourned some, but he had never let the real meaning of what he had done sink in. Now, it crashed over him like a tidal wave. Guilt, sorrow, and pain enveloped him.

_"Why?"_ he hissed into the air. _"Why didn't I just die in that blasted Shack? That's the only thing I deserve!" _

He put his head into his hands. He was still not over it. He would never be over it. This memory would haunt him for the rest of his life. Now he sat starring at the table in front of him. A small, but very sharp knife, which he used to cut ingredients for potions, was on top. Snape slowly picked up the knife.

_"A worthless thing like me deserves only death."_ He murmured, sliding his fingers across the blade. _"You are one of god's mistakes, you crying, tragic waste of…"_ His inner voice whispered to him.

Snape pulled up his sleeves_. _He hesitated for a moment. _"Afraid to die, you pathetic moron?"_ He angrily mocked himself.

And he slashed his wrists along the blue line so deep. At this moment, pain was almost unbearable. He felt how the blood flew out of him. His vision was going blurry, and suddenly everything went black.

* * *

"Severus... Severus…" For him it seemed that the voice echoed from far far away. Slowly, almost forcefully he opened his eyes. But soon he had to close them again; the light was too harsh, too bright.

"Severus..." the voice did call him again. He finally forced himself to open eyes and recognized Claudine. She was much paler than usual, black circles were around her eyes.

"Where am I?" He whispered hoarsely.

"St. Mungos; where else you can be?"

Snape didn't reply. He just stared to Claudine, trying to move his hands.

"Don't bother. Your hands are tie up to bed."

"Why?" added she after few minutes. Why you did this?

"Maybe because I didn't want to live anymore?" His voice had shade of sarcasm.

He stared at her; she looked very tired, her eyes were puffy and red, as if she was crying a long time.

"I guess, do you need an explanation, don't you?" He murmured trying not to look at her.

"Yes, I need. Because I feel, I can't understand you anymore."

"Ok". He sneered. "That day, I realized I have nothing to live for. The war is over.

I don't know what to do with my life." He made a mocking sneer again. "Let's face the true – I have no family, I have no friends. Nobody needs me. I need nobody. You know…the conscious of that crushing feeling there's no connection left. I am a looser, a…" he didn't finish, because Minerva and Madam Pomfrey came in.

"Oh, dear, you finally woke up. How do you feel?" Pomfrey asked while untied his hands. " Try to move your wrists."

"I...I… barely can move them. It is painful." He wailed.

"Pomfrey, what's wrong with his hands?" Minerva queried, seeing that Snape's face has been distorted by pain.

"He did cut his wrists very deep. Sinews, also nerves are damaged too. The pain is normal in such case. After few weeks, he will be all right."

"Minerva, what are you doing here?" Snape interrupted Madam Pomfrey. "I do not have a slightest wish to see you."

"Severus," she called to him. He didn't look at her.

"Get out." He uttered. His face showed no emotion.

"Severus, please. I'm sorry for everything. What can I do to repair our friendship?"  
Snape gave her an empty stare. "I am not sure there's anything left to repair." He said in dead voice. "Goodbye, Minerva."

''Severus, please, can't we put this behind us?''

Snape jumped in his bed."Put this behind us, Minerva? Is that what you want to do? I should just forget all of the horrid things you said to me?" Snape's eyes narrowed. "Just how do I can do that, Minerva? How do I forget that you called me a pathetic waste of a wizard?"

McGonagall blinked. "I am so sorry, Severus..."

"Save your breath, Minerva." Snape sneered at her. His voice was low but menacing when he finally spoke. "Get out."

"Severus… please!"

"I said get out."

"I..."

"No! I said I want you to go; now go!" He cried.

"Professor McGonagall" Poppy admonished. "Please, leave now. You are just upseting him."

"Minerva looked to Poppy. "I…I am just leaving." With that, she turned and stalked from the infirmary.

Snape turned to Poppy. "When I will be able to leave this damned hospital?"

"We will speak about your leaving after one week, my boy.'' replied Pomfrey strictly. "It wasn't just simply injury, Severus. You tried to commit suicide. It's serious, Professor. Very serious. So, you will stay here at least one week, or maybe more. That is it.''

''I don't want to be like this. I...'' Snape whispered calmly, but he was still desperate.

"Want you, or not – it doesn't matter. You will stay here. This is a calming draught and this is a sleeping draught.'' She did put two small vials on table besides his bed. ''You must consume calming draught after dinner; sleeping draught is just in case.'' And she stormed off leaving Claudine and Snape alone.

Claudine took a chair and sat besides his bed. ''So, sir. Finish what you told me before.''

''I don't want to talk with you about anything!'' Snape pronounced every word for emphasis.

''Please, Professor.'' She took his hand. ''I really want to know. Why did you tried to kill yourself?''

''I already told you. Here is nothing for me to live for any...Merlin I don't want to talk with you. Leave me alone.''

''Why are you fighting me so much, Professor? Please, let us talk about this.'' Her ice grey eyes were so pleading. He nodded.

''I feel like I am the man who is lost in space, the man who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. I am so tired. I am thirty - nine and I am already exhausted.'' He spoke in soft, low voice, fighting hard against the tears that were welling in his eyes. Snape gasped and tried to calm himself as tears started down his face. His efforts were in vain.

"Please, Miss Cadela. Leave me alone." He did not want her to see him crying.

''I will stay, sir.'' She squeezed his palm. ''I wish you to speak. If you feel sad – cry. You do not have to be ashamed for your emotions. I think it is time to unburden what lies on your heart. Do not close now.''

Finally, his tears lessened some, and his wild sobs stilled themselves.

"I don't know from where to start…"

"Just speak, sir. Do not think.''

''I want to forget everything what has happened for me before.'' He started. ''I can't. The past is all over me, all under me, all inside me. It is…it is…just crushing. That morning…I woke up that morning afraid I was going to live. I did realize that my entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence.'' Tears started to flow down his cheeks. ''I want so much to forget the past, but it doesn't go away, it hang around like an open wound that refused to scar over. Moreover, I...I started to feel like I cannot maintain the facade any longer.''

''What do you mean saying you can't maintain the facade?''

''I can't live with my mask put on. Damn, I am like everybody - I have fears and feelings, my wounds are bleeding. Just I don't know how to take off the mask. I am like in a vicious circle from which there is no exit. I am afraid to heal. I am so scared to give up depression. I fear that somehow depression, which is part of me; is actually all of me. I am afraid, I will not be myself. I know, it sounds insane, but in a strange way, I am in love with my depression. It is all I have.''

"Sir, how long you have depression?"

"I don't know. Maybe all my life." He replied simply. "Well, homesickness was always a state of mind for me. As I remember myself, I was always missing someone or someplace or something."

''But when you found out, that it's more than simply homesickness?''

''Nine years ago, I think. It became so hard to put sadness in perspective, so hard to understand it. I wanted only to lie in bed, crying all the time. I was always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing. Then I realized, that it's serious. I was educated enough to understand what happened to me.''

''Why you didn't seek any help then?''

''I simply had no time for this. I was always busy living double life. As you know – I was double spy. I was busy with Albus tasks, also with teaching, with researching, with potions and Dark Arts. Now, I think, being busy all the time kept me from reaching the bottom. I just could not let myself to drown. However, everything has a limit. I reached mine yesterday, when I did slash my wrists.'' Snape angrily wiped tears. ''I drowned.''

The tower clock struck eight. Claudine's stomach growled, reminding her how hungry she is. She has not even a bite since early morning.

"It is time for dinner, sir. I will go to see what they have in kitchen. Promise me, you will not try to harm yourself in any way."

"Don't worry. Even if I would like to I can't." Snape sneered scornfully. "Everything is charmed here."

She stalked through the castle, with her black robe billowing around her. Her pale white skin was a stark contrast to her black curls and her icy, doleful eyes. It was cold in the corridors, so Claudine wrapped herself rigidly in her robe; therefore she seemed more slender then ever.

"Good evening, Claudine." A pleasant and peaceful voice echoed.

"Good evening, Headmaster." She stared at him for a moment; Professor Dumbledore, though very old, always gave an impression of great energy. He had several feet of long silver hair and beard, half-moon spectacles, and an extremely crooked nose. "May I help you, Headmaster?"

"Well," said Dumbledore, the candlelight shimmering on his beard. "I just wanted to ask, how Severus is doing, my girl."

"Professor Snape is all right, sir. He woke up just few hours before."

"Glad to hear that. However, as Headmaster it is my job to make sure my professors are well." Said Dumbledore calmly, his eyes twinkling. "Could you, please, tell Severus that I will visit him tomorrow?"

"Of course, Headmaster." She replied in her most politely voice. "But now, I have to hurry up if I want to get some food from the kitchen."

"Oh yes, of course, my girl. You really have to hurry up. It would be shame if you stay hungry." Professor Dumbledore paused. "Don't forget to tell Severus about my visit." There was something like warning in his voice.

"Don't worry, Headmaster." And she hurried to the kitchen.

When Claudine came back to St. Mungos, she found Snape curled in fetus position his eyes closed. Fearing to wake him up, she carefully put tray on the table.

''Claudine...'' he whispered.

''I am sorry, sir. I did not want to wake you up. I thought I was silent.''

''I was not asleep anyway. You have been out quite long.''

''I had a conversation with Professor Dumbledore. He said, tomorrow he will visit you, sir.''

''So, you told him everything?'' Snape's eyes narrowed angrily. ''And I did trust you…''

''I just told him, that you are awake, sir, and that is it. Do you really think I am such a bitch?'' She huffed.

Snape shook his head. ''No, Miss Cadela''

''So, stop being so mean, sir. Let's eat now."

''I am not hungry.''

''You have not eaten since yesterday. Please, do not argue. I am tired and you are tired even more.''

Snape tried to reach spoon and a bowl; his hands were trembling. Pain in wrists was beyond imagination. He wanted to prove to Claudine that he could eat himself, but he already knew that he would fail.

"I am not hungry." He spat angrily.

''Oh c'mon, sir. I will help you.''

''I am not a baby to be fed with spoon. I will not eat. Forget it, Miss Cadela."

''You already said that, but it doesn't change the fact that you need to eat.'' Claudine said as she took the spoon and filled it with soup. ''Now let me feed you.''

''Miss Cadela, I…'' Snape started again to protest.

''C'mon, lad, I can see that you are tired and hungry.'' She started to be in bad temper. ''Eat something, and then you can rest. Please.''

Soon the tray was empty. Claudine vanished it without saying a word.

''I didn't know you can use wandless magic.'' Snape raised his eyebrow.

''You still don't know a lot about me.'' She smiled shyly. ''The same I can say about you, sir.''

"Tell me, Miss Cadela,'' He cracked a weak smile."How did you attend Hogwarts?"

"'I was educated at home.'' She started. ''My parents didn't want me to go to school, they always were a bit ''underground'', and they always were against the system. However, when they died, I had no other choice. Voldemort did kill them, ruined our home and I had to runaway somewhere. Hogwarts was the safest place for me.''

''I am sorry…'' Snape glared to her sympathetically. ''But I just do not understand why he had to kill your family?''

''He wanted me to join Death Eaters.''

''Why?''

''I do not know.'' Claudine shivered. ''And I don't think I wish to know. Better tell me how you feel now.'' She changed topic; for her it was still painful to remember her family.

''Odd. Life for me is still pain in arse, but I don't want to quit it anymore. You know…I always had some small joys. For example – to buy books, despite I have thousands of them. Or just go to forbidden forest to collect ingredients for potions. Or to read. Or to play guitar.''

''Do you play guitar?'' Claudine's eyes widener.

''Sometimes.''

''You will have to play to me.''

''Why do you want to hear me playing?''

''Because I think, guitar suits for you very well.'' She glanced to his long fingers. ''I am sure, you are playing wonderful, sir.''

''And please, tell me, why do you think so?''

''I know what a perfectionist you are. If you cannot do something properly, you simply do not do.''

''I do.''

''What?''

''I live. I can't make my life proper, but I live.''

''Non…'' she couldn't finish, because he interrupted her.

''I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting inside. It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. Moreover, you are not sure, whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away.'' Suddenly he was very afraid to look up at her. ''Do you think I am crazy, don't you?''

''No. I don't. Sir, you have a depression. That's it. You are neither crazy nor stupid. This is your depressed stance.'' Claudine yawned. "I think, you have to take calming draught and go to sleep.''

''I don't want.'' He protested. ''I do not want to stay alone in this place.''

''I can stay here, with you, sir, if you wish.''

Snape hesitated before reply. He was not sure if it is appropriate. He just stared at her, do not knowing what to say.

''Sir?''

He groaned heavily and did as his heart commanded.

''Stay, Miss Cadela. Stay.''

Claudine transfigured his bed to double size and her robes to pajamas and curled up beside him, wrapping her hands around his shoulders. ''Good night, sir.'' She murmured before closing her eyes.

Snape thought sleep would never find him with all the thoughts running through his mind, but his eyelids began to feel heavy and before he realized it, sleep had claimed him. But not for long. Soon Severus woke up with fear. He couldn't recognize where he was, his eyes searching frantically for some sort of familiarity, he felt the pangs of fear and overwhelming fear that brought about shakes to his entire body. He sat up in bed immediately taking in deep breaths and trying to calm himself down.

''Sir, what happened?'' He felt her warm hand on his back. ''What's wrong?''

''Nothing, nothing...just I...'' His voice cracked.

''Your heart is racing.'' Claudine checked his pulse. ''I am going to call Madam Pomfrey.''

''Don't. It was just a fear attack.'' Snape was still breathing deep

''Count to the ten. Aloud.'' She ordered.

''One...two...three...'' He immediately began to feel better his mind being occupied on something other than anxiety attack.

''Better?'' Claudine asked seeing his breathing back into normal state.

''Yes.'' He nodded and did lay back. ''Sleep, Miss Cadela.''

After some mental debate, he decided to do what felt right at that moment. Snape wrapped his arms protectively around her petite body, hiding his face into her neck.

* * *

Next morning the incessant knocking on door woke them up in a foul mood.

"Who, for hell's sake, wakes up at 6:30 of morning?" mumbled Claudine. She quickly transfigured bed back into single bed, then her pajamas into jeans and jumper and applied beauty charm on herself.

Knocking on the door repeated.

"Come in.'' Claudine exclaimed. Madam Pomfrey entered with the suspicious expression.

''Why I had to wait so long?'' She asked slyly.

''We didn't expect you so early, Madam.''

''Oh, you _didn't expect_…''

''Poppy! Could you, please, stop this chit chat and _do something for my wrists?'' Inquired Snape. ''I barely can move them.'' _

''All I can do is to apply painkilling salve. It will reduce pain.''

''Apply whatever you want, just I wish to be able to eat at least.'' He spoke gruffly. ''Yesterday Miss Cadela had to treat me as a fucking baby.''

Madame Pomfrey removed the bandage from his wrists; there were now only red scars visible.

''Will they fade away?'' Snape snorted angrily.

''Sadly, but no, my boy. Suicidal injuries are leaving their marks. Any magic cannot help.''

''Ouch, woman, it hurts.'' He hissed while Madame Pomfrey applied salves on.

''Shush, Severus. Well here, is it still painful? Try to turn your wrists now.''

''Better. I will be able to hold spoon at least. No more treat-like-a-baby.'' He sneered sarcastically.

''So, eat your breakfast now. Albus is going to visit you later.'' Poppy announced him. ''Professor McGonagall wants to speak with you too, but I told her that she will have to wait until you will be released.''

''Thank you, Poppy.'' Snape barked hoarsely taking a tray with breakfast. Madam Pomfrey nodded and left the infirmary.

''What's wrong, sir?'' Claudine noticed him barely eating. ''Are you worried or what?''

''I am not worried.'' He dropped the spoon on the tray. ''I am ashamed. Ashamed for what I have done.''

"What do you mean, sir? I can't quite catch that.''

''Everything.'' Snape murmured quietly. ''Forget it.'' He exercised his wrists. ''Could you bring me a guitar? I need to relax.''

''Sure, sir.'' Claudine flooed to their quarters and came back with guitar. It was an old guitar, but very well kept.

''Thank you, Miss Cadela.'' He carefully took guitar from her and arranged strings taking a deep breath. ''Please, don't utter a word until I finish. I am not adapted to play when someone is watching me.''

''You will not recognize that I am here, sir.''

''I do not think it is possible. All right, shut up.'' Snape bent over, his face near the juncture of the body of his guitar and the fret. He started to play and sing in his smooth, velvety voice:

_''__All around me are familiar faces,  
Worn out places, worn out faces.  
Bright and early for their daily races,  
Going nowhere, going nowhere.  
Their tears are filling up their glasses,  
No expression, no expression.  
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow,  
No tomorrow, no tomorrow._

_And I find it kinda funny,_  
_I find it kinda sad._  
_The dreams in which I'm dying,_  
_Are the best I've ever had._  
_I find it hard to tell you,_  
_I find it hard to take._  
_When people run in circles_  
_It's a very, very mad world mad world.''_

He hit few more accords and stopped.

"More...'' It was only what Claudine managed to say. ''Please more.''

He smiled and started again, but in much lower voice, which made her shiver.

_''In the cold light of morning while everyone is yawning,  
you're high.  
In the cold light of morning the party gets boring,  
you're high.  
As your skin starts a scratching, wave yesterdays actions goodbye._

_Forget past indiscretions_  
_And stolen possessions._  
_You're high_  
_In the cold light…_

_In the cold light of morning while everyone's yawning_  
_You're high._  
_In the cold light of morning_  
_You're drunk sick from whoring and high._  
_Staring back from the mirror's_  
_A face that you don't recognize._  
_It's a loser, a sinner, a cock in a dildo's disguise_  
_In the cold light…_

_Tomorrow_  
_Tomorrow_  
_Tomorrow_

_As your skin starts a scratching_  
_And wave yesterdays action goodbye._

_Forget past indiscretions_  
_And stolen possessions._  
_You're high_  
_In the cold light of day...''_

"I can't anymore. It's still painful.'' Snape massaged his wrists. When he finally looked up, he saw Dumbledore. He looked absolutely astonished, but Snape didn't know in bad or good way.

''I didn't hear you came in, Albus.''

''Why you have never told you can sing, Severus? It was amazing.'' Dumbledore barely could speak.

''Why I had to? It's just a small hobby.''

''Small hobby! You are calling small hobby?' My boy, don't you understand what an amazing talent do you have?

''Everyone can sing.'' Snape mumbled.

''Don't pretend you are stupid. Anyway, there are going to be celebration of the end of the Second Wizarding War in second of May. I wish you to make a little performance.''

''Albus, I am not going to this bloody celebration and I am not going to do any bloody performance.''

''Severus! C'mon – it will be after three months and a half.''

''Albus, which part of "NO" you don't understand?'' Snape made a nasty sneer.

''I am not taking "NO" as an answer. If you do not agree to go to perform at least two songs, I will push you into the scene anyway. I will drag you by the hair.'' Dumbledore plucked Snape's blue-black hair lock. No one will mess with Albus Dumbledore.

''Two songs, Albus. Two. Bloody. Songs. No. More. And stop plucking my hair.'' He hissed through clenched teeth. ''Now can you do me a favor?''

''What a favor, Severus?''

''Leave me alone and give me peace.''

''You are sullen as always.'' Dumbledore smiled at Snape, his eyes twinkling. ''I will leave you, but first – a word, if you please, Severus.''

''Is it something important, Albus?'' Snape grunted in unmet voice.

''For me – yes, my boy.'' Dumbledore said patiently. ''Claudine, my girl, could leave us alone for a while?''

''Of course, sir, anyway, I have to go back to my quarters.''

''What do you want, Albus?'' Asked Snape when Claudine left the infirmary.

Dumbledore conjured a swinging chair, and Snape sighed. It seemed that the conversation promises to be a long one.

''First of all, my boy, I would like to ask, how are you?''

''Do not waste time for such rubbish and go straight to the point, Albus.''

''All right, Severus. I would like to know, what happened between you and Minerva.''

''It is none of your business, Albus.'' Snape replied dryly. ''We had an argument, that's it.''

''Severus, I know what happened during Yule Ball.'' Said Dumbledore, surveying Snape closely through his half-moon spectacles.

Snape now felt himself going red. He nervously did run his hand thorough hair.

''If do you know, Albus,'' snarled Snape. ''Why, for Merlin's sake, you are questioning me?''

''Severus, I am not asking you about the breakthrough of a passion, which occurred in the balcony. I am asking, what happened between you and Minerva. Why you are so angry on her? I have her version of a fairytale, but I need to hear yours.''

Snape sighed. Now he felt like a little kid who has to explain to his parents why he started fight with a friend.

''Albus, I am not talebearer.''

''I know, you are not, my boy.'' Dumbledore said patiently. ''But I need to know.''

''All right, Albus. She did saw me with Miss Cadela in a balcony. We were…'' He cleared his throat. ''We were kissing. Minerva got mad and told me some horrid things. Which I am not able to forget, Albus. Probably she was right. Probably I am a pathetic waste of a wizard, a sniveling coward, a pervert. Doesn't matter. She always declared herself as a friend, but she treated me as if I am a garbage.''

''My boy, you shouldn't take her words so seriously. Minerva is short tempered. Decency is very important to her; sometimes it goes beyond the limits of normality.''

''I don't care, Albus. Not anymore.'' Snape hissed with anger. ''Tell me now, Albus, what awaits me? Will you kick me out?''

"And why should I?" Dumbledore surprised.

''For an intimate contact with the student, maybe?''

"Did you have a sexual intercourse with Miss Cadela, Severus?"

Snape shook his head. "No, Albus. Never."

"So, where is the problem, my boy? Anyway, even if you had, I could expel neither you nor Claudine. She is of age. You would not break any law or rule. Of course, there is always a question of morality, but I think it is only a personal affair.''

Snape cocked his eyebrows. "So, Albus, if I understand you correctly, you assure that I can have sexual intercourses with Miss Cadela and nobody can blame me for it?"

"Indeed, my boy." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Severus, probably my question will sound a little roughly, but I can't understand what you're waiting for? Just take her to some secluded spot and thrush her to within an inch of her life. That is clearly what she wants. How can you deny her such a simple pleasure?"

"Pleasure's never simple, as you very well know, Albus.'' Snape leaned back to the pillow.

"It is. Of course it is, my boy. Just you decided to complicate it."

"I am not complicating anything. She is just too young."

"How old is she?"

"Twenty, I think."

"So where is the problem? She is of age, Severus. Moreover, I think she is curious about going to bed with you."

"How can you know, Albus?"

"I am old enough that I can appreciate the people Severus. Claudine's body language, when she is next to you, tells a lot of things."

"And if so, Albus, I would be merely an experience for her. One of many to come. She'll remember me only as... the old guy who gave her some knowledge on the way. So she could tell her girlfriends what a man of my age, is like, close up."

"Stop worrying about growing old. You are not old, my boy."

"I am not worrying about that. The problem is…'' Snape's voice broke.

"Where do you see a problem?'' asked Dumbledore, still sounding amused.

"You know, Albus. Sex contains all. Bodies, souls, meanings, proofs, purities, delicacies, results, promulgations, songs, commands, health, pride. All hopes, benefactions, bestowals. One night shag is not for me.''

"God, Severus, you are so irreparable romantic. Even for me, old man, it is inconceivable." Dumbledore chuckled. ''I suggest you should look at things more easily.''

''Things had never been easy for me, Albus.''

Dumbledore rolled his eyes. ''Do, as you want, my boy. I gave you an advice, and if I were you, I would take an advantage of it. When I and Minerva…''

''Albus, Albus! Stop it here right now. I don't have not the slightest desire to listen to your perverted memories.''

''Ah the youth, they never listen to old.'' Said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkled more than ever. ''Lemon drop?''

* * *

**Authors note:**

In this chapter Snape played those songs:  
Gary Jules "Mad World" www. youtube watch?v=Oa-ae6_okmg

Placebo "In the Cold Light of Morning" www. youtube watch?v=nCIoz3DM_JA

Just paste links in your browser, don't forget to delete spaces :)

**P.S** Well, it seems, that Dumbledore is more liberal than our beloved Potions Master :) Naughty, naughty Albus.

Read&Review!


	7. Revelations

CHAPTER SEVEN

REVELATIONS

* * *

When Claudine entered the Great Hall for lunch the first thing she saw was Draco Malfoy, who seemed to be entertaining Hermione with a very funny story. As she passed, they both were cringed from laughter.  
Claudine dropped into a seat at the Gryffindor table, next to Ron Weasley and Harry. Ron did spud his food with a fork, what was very unusual for him.  
''What's up with you, Ronald?'  
"Malfoy,'' replied Ron, sitting down on Harry's other side and glaring over at the Slytherin table.  
Claudine looked up in time to see Malfoy whispering something to Hermione who let a giggle and blushed.  
''That little git.'' She tittered. ''But they seem to be happy, Ron.''  
''She looks as if she wet herself,'' said Harry, with a contemptuous glance at Hermione.  
''C'mon, lads. What's wrong, if she likes him, and he likes her? I know, Ron that it is hard to you, but, please, understand Hermione. After all, she is your friend.''  
''But she was my girlfriend, Claudine. She was mine. And now? She just did run with the ferret.'' Ron spat bitterly.  
''Stop it, Ronald. How long you two were going out? One or two months? By the way, she agreed to go out with you just because you were pleading so hard. It was not a relationship, it was merely a trying, but it did not work. You are more like brother to her. Boy, forget it, and if you don't want to lost a friend – support her! It suits to both of you.'' Claudine glared Harry and Ron and stuffed a piece of chicken to her mouth.  
''Forget it, Ron,'' said Harry bracingly. ''She is right, anyway, glance at them - how happy they look. You will find another girl, mate.''  
''All right, all right.'' Feeling slightly more cheerful, Ron helped himself to sausages and fried tomatoes.  
Just then, Hermione came to Gryffindor's table and threw herself into the chair besides Claudine.  
''Hello, Kitty!'' Claudine gave her a squeezing hug. ''How are you?''  
''I could not be better.'' Hermione shone the happiness. ''Ah, life is wonderful.'' She chirped taking a cauldron cake.  
"Hi, 'Mione.'' Ron greeted her, now chewing a cauldron cake and a chocolate frog.  
''Ron, could you stop speaking and eating at the same time? It is disgusting! Hello, Harry.''  
''Hi,'' Harry mumbled and grinned broadly at her. "Are you all right?" He asked moving closer a plate with custard cake.  
''Yes, I am all right. I am just thinking…'' Hermione nervously rubbed bridge of her nose.  
''Spit it.'' Claudine demanded.  
''Just do not think that I am mad. Well, I am wondering, how Dumbledore did stay alive, after…'' She glared Claudine fearfully  
''After Snape did kill him? This was what you wanted to say?''  
''Well…um…''  
''Oh, c'mon, Hermione. I know this sordid tale. Actually, I myself am wondering how he managed to survive. Harry, I suggest, you were in Astronomy Tower when Snape performed killing curse on him? Yes?''  
''Yes.''  
''I wish you to tell me everything what you remember. Without bubbling. Please.'' Ordered Claudine.  
''…and then Snape did cast ''Avada Kedavra'' course on him. Dumbledore fell off the tower. He looked like suspended in midair for a moment, before falling slowly over the ramparts.''  
''Stop it here. You just told he did fell slowly?'' Hermione asked curiously.  
''Yes.''  
''Does it how ''Avada Kedavra'' works? I mean, does it affect gravitation?''  
''No, Ronald. ''Avada Kedavra'' just kills, but it does not affect gravitation.'' Claudine responded eagerly. ''So, Harry, Dumbledore did fell off tower slowly. Even with short suspending in midair. Do you think corpses can manage this?''  
''Umm…'' Harry ruffled his hair. ''No.''  
''Moreover. I know that ''Avada Kedavra'' has to be spelled not only verbally but also mentally. What if Snape did cast the spell only verbally? And for example, mentally he did cast ''Impedimenta''? Which spell will work?''  
''This one, which he did cast mentally, of course. But you have to ask Snape about this, Claudine.''  
''No. I do not want to involve Snape into this detective.''  
''Why?''  
''Harry, I am sharing quarters with him.''  
''So what?''  
''Harry, it is Snape. Snape. He will yell on me until end of my life. I am sure, I will have to clean cauldrons daily with toothbrush. I am not going to ruin my peaceful life.''  
''Your life with Snape is peaceful? How interesting…'' Ron cracked a sly grin.  
''Yes, it is peaceful. But it will not be peaceful anymore if I start to give him such questions.'' She took a sip of pumpkin juice. '' Harry do you remember something else? Even something strange?''  
''Well, when Dumbledore fell out of the tower, after some time he fell out of sight too. He just disappeared.''  
''Out of sight, Harry? Out of sight. Dead people do not disappear out of sight when they are falling out off towers. They just fell and thud to the ground. With ''slam'' sound.''  
Hermione squirmed in her chair. ''Harry, I assume, you do know Draught of Living Dead?''  
''Of course, I know. I did brew it.''  
''What effect has Draught of Living Dead?''  
''The Draught of Living Death is an extremely powerful sleeping draught, sending the drinker into a death-like slumber.''  
''Now use your brains, Harry.'' Hermione managed a wide grin.  
''Don't you want to say?'' Harry shuddered. ''You mean…you…''  
''Harry, stop pretending that you are Ron. Now, I have a hypothesis. Dumbledore somehow managed to reduce his falling speed to reach ground safely. He had enough time while someone seeks for him, but not enough to disappear. And maybe he didn't want to disappear. So he did drink Draught of Living Dead.''  
''But I wiped blood from him…He had to be seriously wounded.''  
''Harry, don't you think that blood and wounds were not real? Just some charm? Dumbledore is great wizard – it is a piece of cake for him to perform such charms. Dumbledore is master of charms.''  
I think Hermione's hypothesis has a point.'' Claudine uttered. ''Living Dead potion is known for a long time. Shakespeare mentions it in ''Romeo and Juliet''. It was the potion Juliet Capulet used to fake her death.''  
''But there was funeral. Do you think that Draught of Living Dead can last so long?''  
''It depends from how much you drink it, Harry. If Dumbledore faked his death, I am sure he did plan every detail.'' Hermione interfered into discussion again. ''And I see no other possible ways how he could stay alive, except faking his death. Time turners were destroyed; a resurrection stone was lost in forest. Of course, there are few resurrection stones in a world, but I don't think somebody had one.'''  
''I just do not understand one thing. Why Dumbledore had to make such a performance?'' Ron asked. ''And why he didn't share his plan with Snape? Or with anybody else?''  
''Nobody knows, except Dumbledore.'' Claudine sighed. ''Maybe he will tell the truth to Snape someday, and then I will try to find out.''  
''I think that our hypothesis is correct.'' Hermione smiled to them. ''Just it needs time to be confirmed.''  
At this moment, the school owls swooped into the Great Hall carrying the mail as usual, and Neville choked as a huge barn owl landed in front of him, a scarlet envelope clutched in its beak. Harry and Ron, who were sitting opposite him, recognized the letter as a Howler at once — Ron had got one from his mother the year before.  
''Run for it, Neville!'' Hermione cried.  
Neville didn't need telling twice. He seized the envelope, and holding it before him like a bomb, sprinted out of the hall.  
"So, I will not hear what Neville did this time." Ron sighed. ''To get a Howler in your seventh year...It might be something.''  
''Ron, stop being a fishwife!'' Claudine snarled at him. "Neville's Howler is none of your business.''  
Harry was too busy feeling sorry for Neville to notice immediately that he had a letter too. A black raven got his attention by nipping him sharply on the wrist.  
"Ouch! Oh — thanks, Vorona.''  
Harry opened the parchment while Vorona helped herself to some of Neville's cornflakes. The note inside said:

_''Mr. Potter,_

_Come to my quarters today at 16 PM. Don't be late._

_Professor S. Snape"_

Harry quickly folded the parchment and buried it deep into a pocket.  
''What was that?'' Ron asked.  
''It is from Snape. I will have to see him today at 16 PM. ''  
''What he wants from you, Harry? That slimy git!''  
''I don't know, mate.'' Harry lied. ''Maybe he will ask me to clean cauldrons with a toothbrush.'' The boy chuckled. "Let's go to the Quiddich Pitch, Ron.''  
''Sure, mate.'' Ron gathered his belongings and hurried past Harry, leaving Claudine and Hermione alone.  
"So, Hermione, are you happy with Malfoy boy?'' asked Claudine inquisitively.  
''Oh, yes.'' She chirped. ''He is very nice. I had never thought, that Draco could be such a nice guy.''  
''Yeah, it seems you did always liked ferrets.''  
''Stop it, Claudine,'' she saw the cheerful lights in the eyes of her friend. ''You! You are teasing me, aren't you?''  
''Of course I am teasing you! I bet that Draco is a lot better boyfriend than Ron was.''  
''Ron is more like a brother for me, not a boyfriend. In addition, I hate when he is speaking with open mouth. It is impossible to think about snog after such ''pretty'' view. And Draco…'' Hermione's voice softener, soft haze overlaid her eyes. ''Draco has impeccable manners. Moreover – he is far more intelligent than Ronald. Maybe I am nasty, but Ron…Ron is too stupid for me.''  
"I agree." Claudine said shortly. ''Personally, I can't see you and Ron together. It…it just does not work.''  
''Yes,'' Hermione sighed. ''Those two months of trying were odd. Better tell me, what about Snape? You just strode off the balcony during Yule Ball and soon after both of you just disappeared for more than two weeks. Maybe some kind of honey-moon?  
''No, not at all.''  
''So what happened?''  
''I suppose you didn't hear about that night, did you?''  
''No, I haven't heard anything about it,'' replied Hermione reaching for a piece of chocolate.  
''So, this night McGonagall did catch us in very compromising position.''  
''No way! What you two did in that balcony?''  
''I was snogging with him.''  
''Oh, no!'' Hermione glared Claudine sympathetically. ''And what happened then?''  
''She did cast me out, Severus went with her. I do not know what happened to there further; he barely spoke with me. But I guess it was something freaky – when she came to visit him in hospital; he spoke to her very rudely.''  
''Wait, wait. Why he found himself in the hospital?''  
''Shit! I hadn't tell you this part.'' Claudine slapped her hand over her forehead. ''Damn that my long tongue!''  
''It will stay only between us. Tell me, what happened?''  
''He attempted suicide.''  
''No…" Hermione gasped.  
''He slashed his wrists along. I found him in a puddle of blood.''  
''Oh, sweet Merlin, but why Snape did such thing?'' Hermione got pale.  
''Because of depression. He was in very bad condition.''  
"Blimey… However, how he is now?''  
''Better. Of course, his mood is foul, but at least stable.''  
''Anyway, this is must be horrid. I cannot imagine how he should feel in order to choose death.''  
''I don't know.'' Claudine shrugged her shoulders. ''The only good thing is that we became closer a tiny bit. But what a price…'' She shuddered.  
''I assume, it is a bit hard time to you, isn't it?"  
''Well, it is not unbearable, but it is not easy now. I mean, it is difficult to be up to him…He acts as if he doesn't remember that evening. As if nothing happened.''  
''Maybe he is afraid, Claudine? In my humble opinion, you should take an initiative to your hands. By the way, you are Slytherin or not? Grab him and _take_ him!'' Hermione even jumped out of place.  
''You always distinguished subtlety, Hermione.''

* * *

Harry stood in front of the door that was his only physical barrier between himself and Snape's quarter and yet he was hesitating to knock. His nerves sickened him. Talking to Snape about his mother? For him it was something inconceivable, even insane. But he, Harry had requested Snape to tell him about his mother. Harry grit his teeth together and inhaled as he raised his arm and rapped his knuckles against the door. For a fleeting moment as he stood here, he briefly prayed that Snape wasn't there.  
''Enter.''  
Harry sighed snatching the door handle and quickly stepped into the quarters; he exhaled once as he shut the door and gulped a gush of air.  
''Take a seat, Potter.'' Snape did not bother himself to greet the boy.  
Harry dropped himself in an armchair in front of fireplace watching as Snape abruptly rose from the table, his expression glinting with something like gloom.  
''Tea, Potter?''  
''No, thank you, sir.''  
''As you wish, Potter.'' Snape sat opposite him.  
''Thank you for doing this, sir.'' Harry said hurriedly. ''You really didn't have to.''  
''I suspect, I have to.'' He lit up a cigarette and inhaled deeply. ''So, what do you currently know about your mother?''  
''Not much, sir. That she was an exceedingly bright witch, that she was brave, gave everything for those she loved, she sacrificed herself because of me. And...what I saw in your memories...But I want to know what really she was alike."  
"Tell me, Potter, is it the truth you seek or...?"  
"I want the truth, sir." Harry was determined with his reply. ''That's why I'm here."  
''Your mother was a decent person. Headstrong and courageous by nature. Also she was very emotional, often brought to tears just by thinking of a sad thought. This feature of her character has caused many problems later. Much like you, she often intervened in the affairs of others when it was not her place, but her intentions were always good. Her biggest mistake was her marriage with James.''  
''Why? Why you are telling that?'' Harry tried to stay calm.  
''James Potter was a bastard, and a bully. Widely respected and very cruel.''  
Harry jumped out of the armchair. ''Don't you dare insult my father! Maybe he was bully when he was teenager. He was a good man, he later corrected himself!''  
''You are very mistaken, Potter.'' Snape continued calmly. ''James pursued your mother for almost two years stumbling behind her, declaring his undying love. But it was because she was not utterly infatuated with him. He enjoyed the chase. Her happiness ended with their marriage. As far as I know, her honeymoon was already bitter. Two days after ceremony, James cheated her.''  
''Liar! You are lying. I don't believe!'' He now fought with tears. ''It can't...it simply can't be!''  
''Calm down, boy. I have no intentions to tell you lies.'' Snape said coldly. ''But now I do not know if I can tell you, what I wanted. This is important, but when you react so...'' He frowned.  
''Please, speak, sir.'' Harry begged.  
''Are you sure?''  
''Yes, sir. I am sure.''  
''This, what I am going to tell you now, will be unpleasant.'' Snape lit up another cigarette. ''But you must now. James Potter isn't…'' He gulped. ''James Potter is not your father.''  
''It...it is some sort of joke, yes?'' The boy wheezed.  
''Yes, I have nothing more productive to do with my time than tell ridiculous lies to you.'' Snape shook his head. ''I am not lying. I wish it would be lie for you, but it is not.''  
''Who? Who then is my father? Sir, tell me. Tell me who is my father if you know.'' Harry demanded pleadingly.  
''I.'' Snape now tried to avoid the sight of the boy. ''I am your father.'' He spat in fallen voice.  
Between them stood an awkward silence. Harry struggled with the desire to just go out and run far far away. Away from the castle, away from Snape, away from his own life. He stared at Snape, searching for any mockery, ridicule hints in his face.  
But nothing was like that. No mockery, no sardonically sneering, nothing. Snape sat still; his face now reflected something like sadness.  
"How?" The boy finally asked. ''How this… happened? Did you rape my mother or what?''  
"You think I raped your mother?" Snape asked slowly, his voice sounded dangerously.  
"Yes!" Harry declared fiercely. ''She would never willingly sleep with a Death Eater!''  
''I assure you, she willingly gave herself to me.'' He massaged his temples and sighed. ''I told you, that she was a decent person, but I had never told you, that she was a saint. As you already know, her marriage was not a candy wrapped in a pink paper. Far from it. That day she had a very rough fight with James. Then she just… she just sprang at my door, crying. I don't know, why Lily decided to come to me, but it happened.'''  
''And instead of consoling my mother, you simply took an advantage of her!'' Harry spat angrily.  
''It is unclear, who was used.'' Snape smirked sadly. ''It just happened. Pot…Harry, you cannot blame me for sleeping with her. I was young and in love. I was just two years older than you are now. When I woke up the next morning, the bed was empty. I had not seen her alive anymore. When you born she just sent me a letter, telling that you are my son and your picture.''  
''I…I still can't believe you.'' Harry stammered. ''It...it is just odd.''  
''I can take a veritaserum, if you wish.''  
"It is true, yes? It is not a nightmare, it is true?''  
''Yes, boy. It is true.'' Snape replied silkily. ''I am sorry. For everything.''  
''_Sorry?_ You are sorry?'' Harry's anger started to strike again. ''You, you left me with Dursleys in first, after you bullied me in school, and now you can only say that you are sorry! You, my father, left me, betrayed me. You were in hiding when my mother died and you didn't take me away with you! And now…now just a poor ''sorry''! You know, what? I hate you. I HATE you! I…" Within those words, he jumped out of the armchair and run by door, which now was locked.  
''Alohomora!'' Harry cried, but nothing happened. The door remained shut. ''Let me out, let me out, you bastard!" He began to beat and kick the door out of the way.  
''Calm down, Harry!'' Snape ordered thorough clenched teeth. "You are just going to hurt yourself with such actions! Let me explain you everything, then you might leave if you wish so."  
Snape's calm voice did hit him like a cold shower. Slowly dragging his feet, Harry went back and sat.  
''Very well.'' Said Snape silkily. ''I assume, you wish to know, why I didn't claim you as my own seventeen years ago, don't you?"  
Harry just nodded tiredly.  
''So, first of all – I wish you to know, that I wanted to take you with me. Really, Harry, I wanted.''  
''So why you didn't?"  
''I couldn't." Snape sighed hardly. ''To take you then meant death. For both of us. I could risk with myself, but I couldn't risk with your life.''  
''But Dark Lord was gone, about what risks are you talking?''  
''I did knew, that Dark Lord will return! Moreover, Potter…"  
"You perfectly know, that I am not Potter." Harry yelled.  
''Old habits die hard.'' Snape sneered. ''By the way, your second name is Potter. Therefore, as you know, I was a Death Eater. I was waiting of trial and I was sure, that I will be placed in Azkaban. How could I take you?"  
"But you wasn't. Why you didn't take me when you were cleared?''  
Snape cursed the boy silently under his breath. ''Because I already did knew, that Voldemort will return. It was just a question when.''  
''But why you bullied me when I came to Hogwarts?"  
"I had to push you off. It was the part of the game against Voldemort. In case, he would break my occlumency shields. He could not see anything good associated with you. Not to mention about your own memories related to me.''  
"What about my feelings? Have anyone ever thought of how I felt? Have you ever thought what is mean being hated without a reason?" Harry shrieked.  
Snape got wild. "I can ask the same! What about my feelings? Mine? If you think it was pleasant to me, you are very seriously mistaken. You cannot imagine, what is like to bully your own flesh and blood. It is horrid. Do you know how many times I wanted just to get rid of this life? I even cannot count them!" Now his smooth, silky voice turned into a hiss. "Sorry. It is not your fault. Here I am the one to blame.'' He added softly.  
"So why…" Finally Harry spoke. ''Why the hell you told about the prophecy to Voldemort?"  
'''I did this in order to divert his attention from you. I thought that the prophecy refers to Longbottom family. However, it seemed I failed.''  
''So…so you just decided to sacrifice innocent people to the Dark Lord? You are a true villain, Snape.'' Harry spat with aversion.  
"Yes! And I would do the same again! I would sacrifice thousands of Longbottoms or other people, if this would mean that you are going to stay alive!"  
''I don't understand you…" The boy whispered. ''I simply don't understand you. How could you?"  
''And you will not understand.'' Replied Snape smoothly. "You will not understand until you will not have your own children. Parents for their little ones can do unimaginable things that will not necessarily be good or fair to others. The instinct to protect your child is stronger than anything."  
"So, what do you want now?" Harry asked coldly. "To bring along your name? Accept you? To call you ''father''? What?''  
''It is does not matter what I want. The key is, what you want. Everything is up to you, Po…er... Harry. ''  
"But I don't know what I want. Today in the morning, I still knew who I was. Now I do not know. Everything is so mixed and complicated.'' He sighed and nervously crossed hand thorough his hair. ''I… I need time…'' Harry's voice was now lamentable.  
"I understand." Snape's voice sounded calm, though sad. ''However, I think for you would be best to leave now. You look quite tired and nervous. But before…'' He headed to the cabinet with potions and came back holding a small vial. ''Drink this.''  
''What is it?" Harry looked at the vial suspiciously.  
''It is Calming Draught."  
"I don't need it." The boy protested.  
"I stretched your nerves today enough. Drink this – it will be easier to fall asleep.''  
Harry obediently emptied the vial and left Snape's quarters. His head was spinning from all the emotions he experienced today. Somehow, he reached Gryffindor's tower and threw himself in to bed. Harry thought he will not be able to fall asleep, but a heavy slumber claimed him soon.


End file.
